The Elevator Up to Hell
by akaisakura
Summary: “They say that heroes can’t really die; that legends are invincible. But, I know better than that. I’ve always feared his death, and I was always afraid that I would be the one to cause it.” Shounen-ai! Chapters 4 & 5 UP! complete
1. Comradeship

Hey, hey... akaisakura here ^_^ First MGS fic; breaking away from Digimon for a bit, though some people are beginning to pester me about updating my long fic... *sigh* can't win... Not much else to say... but I do have two warnings: 

  


WARNINGS:  
1) This fic contains male/male relations. If you understand what that means and continue reading to your future dismay, I will smack you with a 2 by 4... 

2) This is NOT an action-packed story. This is a psychological story, so stuff happens, but there's a heavy focus on the thoughts and feelings of the characters involved. If I get a review saying that this story is boring because of its lack of action, I will simply point you back to this warning... 

  


the requisite disclaimer: I in no way claim the characters within this fic...well, one, maybe, but other than that, everyone belongs to Kojima and Konami. All plot elements that are referenced from the game are also their ideas, but everything else is mine... 

  


Oh, and one more thing. This story contains journal entries so I formatted them this way: Indented paragraphs are entries, Plain type is Snake, Italicized type is Otacon...ok? 

Ok, enough out of me. On with the story! 

  


  


  


  


  


_I...  
Wish I could see you...  
One last time...  
Hal...  
_

  


"Those were his last words. Even with his dying breath, he whispered for me. I think I died on that day too. 

"They say that heroes can't really die; that legends are invincible. But, I know better than that. I've always feared his death, and I was always afraid that I would be the one to cause it." 

  


The Elevator Up to Hell  
akaisakura 

  


Chapter 1: Comradeship 

  


We were sitting outside on my balcony that overlooked the little private swimming pool Rose and I had bought for our "cute suburban home." Otacon had changed a lot since I last saw him 4 years ago. How he tracked me down, I don't know, but he isn't a member of the Knights of the Lambda-Calculus for nothing. The glasses that he used to wear are gone, replaced by dull, gray-colored contacts. His eyes were blank and the gray only added to that. Even his hair added to the already evident theme of gray. Otacon's hair was still long, but was starting to prematurely turn gray, and was wilder than before as it blew around in the light breeze. His scrawny frame was smaller than I remember, he smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, even though he didn't look like he had picked up smoking, and his complexion was drained, making him look more like someone who had been living as a vampire for the last 4 years of his life. I suppose that was always sort of true due to the fact that he was indoors all the time hacking government computers, but this was even worse than I figured it could be. 

He had shown up at my doorstep, holding a box full of things that used to belong to Snake - things like his spare sneaking suit and bandana. The box itself, I suspect, was probably one of Snake's old cardboard boxes. More importantly though, there were things that I had never known about, let alone seen, like Snake's old trinkets and books - journals. Mixed in with these were Otacon's own personal journals and some painted models of what he called "mechas." He couldn't bring himself to throw these things away, but he knew he couldn't keep holding on to them. 

"Jack, I want you to keep all the things in that box somewhere safe. That's all that's left of Dave that I have." He looked out into the distance beyond the line of trees that surround my house as a privacy screen. "I've been carrying that box with me everywhere I've gone for the past 4 years, and it's almost like an obsession now. I need to move on, but I can't leave Dave behind on my own. Please. Promise you'll take good care of it." 

I waited for him to turn and face me so I could look him in the eye. His body didn't move, and his mind was definitely not in reality anymore. 

"Otacon?..." He snapped out of it. Where his mind was, I don't know, and I certainly wasn't about to pry. "I promise I'll keep it safe for you. Will you come back for it some day?" 

He made a subconscious flicker of his wrist as he tried to push a pair of non-existent glasses up the bridge of his nose. He didn't seem to notice that he no longer wore glasses. He had phased out again. 

"Otacon??..." 

"… yeah. I'll come back for it… someday…" He exhaled sharply and looked down towards the pool. The pool brokenly reflected the mid-day sun like a shattered mirror and tried to bring light back to his eyes. But as I looked at his profile, he just simply closed his eyes and blocked out the light. He was losing it again. I tried to break the somber mood. 

"…So, what have you been up to lately? I heard you had to shut your branch of Philanthropy…" 

Ok, so that wasn't the greatest topic to bring up, and I knew it about three seconds too late. 

"…" 

I was losing Otacon fast. As I was busy kicking myself for being so insensitive and trying to come up with something to say, Rose came home from her Sunday lunch with "the girls." 

"Jack, honey! I'm back! Whose car is that out front?" she yelled from the foyer as she checked the answering machine for messages, knowing that I probably didn't answer the phone all morning. I hate phones. 

"That's Otacon's!" I yelled back. I'm sure Rose was surprised at that, since like I said before, we hadn't seen hide nor hair of Otacon after Snake died on that mission 4 years ago. The man had just up and disappeared, wiping out all traces of his existence from the web, from government databases, from everything you could get your hands on. I guess you could say that when he said that he had died that day, he pretty much did. At first, I had heard from Campbell, who I finally met for real, that Otacon was still trying to run his branch of Philanthropy, which covered all of North America, but about six months later, he disappeared, even though you could tell that certain other operations run by smaller organizations had his signature on them. Then in the last year, even those little traces faded away into nothing. And now I knew why. 

Otacon was still very much in mourning over the one and only true friend he ever had. 

Otacon made a move to get up and leave when I grabbed his wrist to stop him. 

"It's ok. You can stay here…I'm sure Rose wouldn't mind your company." 

"I'm not asking for a place to stay, Jack. I'm just asking for a place to store some memories of mine," he slowly said. 

"Well, at least stay for dinner then. We'd really love to catch up with you, and see what you've been up to in the past 4 years." I gripped his wrist tighter. I wasn't about to let him go with him acting like this. I've read about people who do these sorts of things, like dividing their belongings. They usually do this right before they kill themselves. "You can't say no to dinner...I mean, Rose may not be the best cook, but there's always the shady pizza joint down the street, and they deliver." I couldn't believe how lousy of a joke that was, but I think Otacon was almost tempted to smile at that. 

"I...I really shouldn't. You've been more than patient with me, and I've taken so much of your time already this afternoon. I should go. Please, Jack...let go." He tried to wrestle his hand out of my grasp, but of course I'm much stronger. Something flashed through his eyes at that moment...maybe my strength reminded him of Snake. From what I know of Otacon, Snake seemed to be the only person he ever _really_ became friends with. Almost everyone else died or betrayed him in some way, and oftentimes, both. I guess in the end, even Snake... 

Well, anyway, needless to say, I couldn't hold the man against his will, and in the end, after I got the number of the place he's staying locally, I had to let him go. He reassured me that he would be ok, that he wasn't going to kill himself and that he just wanted a clean break so he could move on with his life. But how much of that can I believe? I really don't think it was such a good idea to let him go, but... well, what can I do? 

So that brings me to what I'm doing now. Curiosity has gotten the better of me, and I can't help but try to put together how a mission could have gone so wrong. After Snake died on that mission, no one would release any information. In fact, if Campbell hadn't contacted me to try and find Otacon, I wouldn't have ever known that Snake had died. Campbell may be retired, but that old geezer still has a lot of connections. But even with his connections, he couldn't find Otacon. Philanthropy wouldn't release any info mostly due to the fact that the person in contact with Snake at the time refused to comment, and then when he disappeared, he took it all with him. I had also tried to contact the UN. Technically, Philanthropy is sanctioned by the UN, so there should be some sort of record or something with them, but even they wouldn't acknowledge this mission. 

So from what few scraps I've been able to put together, the mission was supposed to be a routine "find and dispose of the Metal Gear" type, nothing Snake couldn't handle on his own, which is why I guess they didn't ask for my help on this one. 

So what is it that Otacon's hiding? Why is he so afraid of telling people how something like this could have happened? I wonder if it's personal... 

I sorted the journals out earlier today, among all the little Alaskan clay statues, wood carvings and various other assortments of strange things, and arranged them in chronological order. There were also some DVDs in the box which are recordings of CODEC conversations during the various missions Snake went on. I even found the one for the Big Shell Incident. Oh, goodie. I can hear how much of a blind fool I was back then. Anyway, I flip through the oldest one to get a general idea. It seems that this one is one of Snake's journals from before Shadow Moses. I really want to read it, but I think I'll leave this one alone. I've got to focus on finding out what happened on that mission. The next few are also Snake's personal journals. I open the eighth one. This one seems to have been written by two different people, alternating back and forth. Snake wrote the first entry in fairly neat handwriting, and Otacon wrote the second in what I like to call "scientists' chicken scratch." Hmm. Maybe there'll be a hint in here about why Otacon is so affected by Snake's death. I plop onto the couch in the study and settle in. This is going to be a long night. 

  


  


January 1, 2009  
Brand new year, brand new journal. So this year, I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to ask Hal if he wants to share this journal with me. That way, we can exchange thoughts and I would only be obligated to write every other day at the very most. I know he's not the type to keep a journal since his half of the room's about as bad as mine, but you should see the way he organizes every file on his computers. Jeez. And I thought I was bad with my box collection. Talk about compulsive. 

Not much happened today. We just stayed in bed all day today, seeing as how I was suffering a hangover this morning from all the drinking last night. Hal wasn't all that bad off, as usual. Gotta give the guy credit. It never fails to surprise me how much he can drink. 

Damn biological clock. I woke up after 2 hours of sleep, at 5 this morning out of habit and couldn't go back to bed. It took all morning and most of the afternoon for the hangover to go away completely. 

Have I ever mentioned that Hal makes a great nurse? I don't understand how he can have so much patience to take care of me when I _**know**_ I'm at my most obnoxious. Oh, well. I should just be grateful that he's with me now. 

He's beckoning me to bed now with that smile of his that makes my heart quicken with excitement. I'm going to call it a day and end here, but first, I've gotta ask him if he wants to write in this journal too...

  


Ok, so call me dense, but did I just read that right? "Beckoning me to bed...?" Am I missing something here? I know this has nothing to do with finding out how Snake died, but then again, this may have everything to do with it. Sides, call it "hero worship" that I still want to know everything about Snake, just like all those years ago when I was still green. I walk back over to the box and drag the whole thing over to the couch. Reaching in, I search for a journal which will hopefully answer my questions... 

Here we go. This is two journals back, and towards the end. I guess this would be a little after the Tanker Incident. 

  


November 10, 2007  
Hal was trying to cheer me up. I mean, I know what the guy was trying to do, but it's just weird, you know? I don't think I'm making much sense, but then again, right now, not much is making sense and... ARG!!! 

Ok, where was I? Two days ago, after I came in from my morning routine with the dogs, I was feeling slightly depressed because of Meryl. Or more accurately, I was thinking about what I had said when I was talking to Hal after I knocked Olga unconscious. I guess Meryl never really left my mind, even though we broke up over six months ago. So as a way to cheer me up, Hal dressed up in one of those ridiculous outfits from one of his silly anime shows, only it was a dress. Don't ask me where he got it, but it was scary seeing him in it. I mean, this is Hal we're talking about here. The guy is just W-E-I-R-D. He decided that the way to get my mind off of Meryl was to be the opposite of her, which I guess is a guy in drag acting like a hyperactive school-girl... 

I guess it sort of worked since I was tempted to outright laugh at him for his outfit and behavior. Then he did something I would never have expected. I was trying my best not to laugh as I ignored him and continued to eat my usual breakfast when he decided to pull my chair away from the table. Then he sat himself down on my lap and started trying to flirt with me. And then... he was kissing me. Tongue and all. I don't know why I let him force me open, or why I didn't just deck him right then, and...well, that's why nothing makes sense right now. I have NO IDEA what to do, or what I think, or... how I... feel... 

After our lips parted, he gave me a look that haunts me whenever I close my eyes. I've seen that look on other people's faces before, but I never would've thought that Hal's would be one of them. Sympathy, caring, respect, lust, and... love. I wonder why I never saw it before. Now I just wonder if he loves the real me, or if it's just going to be another one of those misplaced loves, like Meryl's was. She never really got beyond the surface. Until the very end, I think she still only loved me as Snake, not Dave. 

We stared at each other for a few seconds. And then he leaned in, and whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry, Dave, but I love you." He got off my lap and retreated to his room, closing the door behind him. 

Course, this brings up another point. How long has he liked me? Is that why he was so nervous and made that comment when I sent him that picture of the Vulcan Raven action figure? I only meant it as a memento of Raven, since his last words were, "I'll be watching you." It was just mildly amusing to see that he was still around like he promised. He also seemed kinda unphased when he decided to lecture me on my, uh... "hyperactive libido"... Could Hal have liked me from when I moved back into this house (or I should say _**his**_ house, since he bought it from me when I moved in with Meryl) after she broke up with me? Maybe even before then? 

I guess I should be asking him these questions. I don't know. For being the courageous, legendary Solid Snake, I'm sure acting like a wimp. We haven't even really spoken to each other in the past 2 days outside of grunts of acknowledgement and a quick "bless you" from Hal when I sneeze. I think he's avoiding me because he's afraid of what I might say or do to him. I'd tell him that he has nothing to worry about if only I knew how I would actually react if he were to talk to me. Sure it's easy to play the part of the asshole, but I know that he knows there's this other side to me. He sees it every morning when he's out there with me feeding my dogs. So far, it's only shown up when I'm around my dogs, but recently, I think I've been a little more open towards Hal too. Maybe that's why he got the guts to do what he did. 

This is bad. I never babble, but here I am, rambling on and on like Hal... What am I going to do? I can't say I'm completely cold about the guy, but I certainly don't lust for him either. He may be bi, but I'm pretty sure I'm straight. 

  


  


November 15, 2007  
It's driving me up the wall. A week has passed and we're still just as distant and I'm actually beginning to miss all the stupid little things he used to do. It's too quiet around here, not hearing him babble about some strange thing he just read, or trying to tell me about some new insane anime that's just come out in Japan. He doesn't spend his free time sitting at the kitchen table, assembling those models of mechas like he used to do while chattering away with me as I try to read my novel or learn another language. I don't know. It's creepy. I think more than anything, I'm missing his company. I mean, I used to be alright by myself, alone in the wilderness with my dogs, but now... I think he's become a part of me. 

  


  


November 20, 2007  
I have to talk to him tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, but I'm still not attracted to the guy. I don't want him to take it the wrong way, and I don't want to hurt him, but Hal's gotta understand some things aren't meant to be. And I can't take this silence anymore. 

I'm not sure I understand everything yet, but I have been thinking quite a bit. I know I do like him as a friend and I care a lot about him. Like right now, I can't help but wonder how he's doing, what he's thinking, and what he's feeling. I wonder if he finds this silence to mean that I hate him or something but he's too polite to throw me out of his house. 

I really need to talk to him. 

  


  


November 21, 2007  
I'm still not sure how this happened, and I suspect I'm probably an idiot for not having said, "No" but I am now in a relationship with Hal. He wanted me to give it a try, something I would normally flat-out refuse. The last thing I need is another failed relationship. Besides, he's not a piece of clothing -- I don't try people out. But as I was about to tell him that, he looked so depressed and rejected that I stupidly agreed to give it a try. We agreed not to do anything physical, but I wonder how long he can hold out. Why do I always feel like the fool?... 

  


  


November 25, 2007  
It's good to see Hal's back to his normal self. And not surprisingly, seeing Hal happy has made me rather happy, and I'm actually pretty content. 

  


  


November 30, 2007  
Thanksgiving day was... interesting from what I can remember. We had spent most of the day cooking up a feast, even though it was just the two of us, but my dogs got a portion of it thanks to Hal. The guy spoils my dogs rotten. At this rate, how are they supposed to stay in shape to compete next month? He also surprised me with an amazingly good bottle of wine he found online. Needless to say, we drank the entire bottle and then some... 

I was really hung-over the next day, no surprise there. After the nanomachines stopped working, my body's gotten a little weaker, and I've definitely noticed that I can't drink as much. Or maybe that's because I'm no longer drinking all the time... anyway, Hal was just fine. I'm not sure how he was ok, but he was. It's "in his genes," he says. So he spent all of yesterday by my bedside, keeping me company when I was awake. 

This is where things get interesting. From what I can remember of Thanksgiving night, I think Hal kissed me again. We were both drunk as hell, and I think he asked if he could. I wanted some physical contact, so I said, "Yes." But that's as far as it went. I think Hal realized what he was doing, so after the kiss, he just sort of backed away and continued to chatter as if nothing happened. We haven't talked about the incident since, but I wonder if he's thinking about it too... To tell you the truth, Hal's not a bad kisser either. He's got this shy, scared sort of kiss where he starts out really nervous, but then, the longer the kiss is, the more confident he gets and he starts to take control until he's commanding your whole being... 

Damn hyperactive libido. 

I must be desperate... 

  


  


December 19, 2007  
The local dogsled race was today, and I came in third. Not too bad, considering these guys have at least 10 more years of experience than me. Hal was there at the starting line and he cheered me on through my CODEC. Meryl was never really all that big on racing. She went to a race once and didn't like it very much. Whether it was too cold or too boring, I don't know, but she never volunteered to go to another one again. Hal seemed to really enjoy himself though, and even managed to get some of the other bystanders to learn a thing or two about computers while he was at it (he had brought his laptop along to relay his CODEC calls). I really hope he continues to come to my races. Sometimes I think too much when I'm out there on the trail, but having him there really uplifts me during those long stretches in the course. It was also nice to finish the course and see a friendly face waiting for me.

  


  


Uh… So this is how they got together, I guess. When I first met the two of them 5 years ago, I think I knew they were an item. I mean, it was as though I had met two different people in Snake that day on Big Shell. When he was by himself carrying out the mission, he was cold and a total asshole, but when he was around Otacon, somehow, all of that just vanished and he changed into a stern, but patient man who could find a way to balance his sense of the mission and his caring for his friend. It's an odd combination, to say the least, but one that is incredibly hard to do. I know I couldn't pull that off in my relationship with Rose… 

There isn't much left to this journal, so I pick up the next one. Skimming through it, it seems like Snake had a lot to write that year. I guess Otacon had a strong influence on his life. I open to a random entry towards the end. Hopefully, it'll give me a link, or if I'm lucky, a synopsis of events, between 2007 and 2009. 

  


  


December 2, 2008  
We made love for the first time yesterday, and it was the greatest feeling in the world. I've never had sex that felt like that -- so full of love and tenderness, yet so powerful and full of longing. It's the first time I've felt like my partner was my equal. I think he's officially moved into my room now cause he's been sleeping in my bed with me since Thanksgiving...that and his room's slowly becoming the annex to the mess of wires in the living room... 

Hal was pretty bold last night, but I could feel a nervous undercurrent in him the entire time and I can't understand why. I mean, I've seen nervous virgins and all that, but this was... Something seemed off, like Hal's afraid of something. Maybe he feels like he's betraying Wolf? I know she still holds a place in his heart... I don't want to pry, but still, I wonder...

  


  


Ok. I think I could have lived without reading that one. I don't know. It's just, I'm not sure Snake wanted anyone else to know about his sex life. I'm sure I'm doing a full body blush right about now. 

"Jack, why are you blushing?..." 

Uh, oh. Rose... 

"Um, nothing. Just reading Snake's and Otacon's journals and I stumbled across something... heh heh..." I scratch the back of my head nervously. 

"What did you find?" 

"Um... I don't think I can say... I don't think I was supposed to read it either..." I give a little frown. "Please don't ask what it's about, Rose. I really don't want to talk about it." 

"You and your secrets!" 

"But this one isn't mine! Well, I mean, it's not supposed to be, but it is now...and oh, ...anyway, what are you up to?..." 

She's giving me this look that she likes to give me when I'm defying her. Ever since we started anew after the Big Shell Incident, she's definitely gotten a little more aggressive... all because I said I'd let her be the real her, etc., etc... I do miss how it used to be, with her accepting what I say without demanding to know more. On the other hand, it's nice to know she gives a damn about what I do, even if she does treat me like our kid sometimes... Which reminds me... 

"Jack, did you call my mother today?" 

Oops... she got to me first. 

"Um, uh... no...? I was talking with Otacon, remember?..." 

"Honey, he was only here until three. What happened to all those hours between three and seven when you came in here to read?" 

"I was sorting Otacon's stuff...dinner...and then...uh..." I can tell I'm going to get it. She gives a little sigh. 

"Jack. What am I going to do with you?... Alright, fine. Just remember to call her tomorrow. I want to you to communicate a bit more with my mother since she's nice enough to take Leo off our hands for a month." 

I lucked out. She's not going to lecture me today, which means that she's probably going to find some other way to get back at me later. "Yes, sweetie. I will call her tomorrow and check up on Leo." 

"And Jack, make sure you go to bed sometime soon. I do not need you running into the shower 3 minutes before we're supposed to be on the road for work." 

Ugh. Work. I don't know which is worse, the battlefield or work. At least on the battlefield, it's over when it's over. Work is never over. It's an endless cycle of kids who refuse to answer your questions or are total jerks. Yes, I am now a military instructor at the base just outside of town, under a false name, of course. I suppose I could've ended up with a worse job, but I don't know what could be worse than kids, er... "young adults." Rose is also working at the base, but as an analyst, just like always. I swear the Patriots stuck me with this job to spite me for my past work with Philanthropy. Oh well. Have to make the best of it, I suppose, for Rose's sake. This is her dream, after all -- the quiet suburban home with a kid and low-risk jobs. But one day, I swear I'm going to get a better job. 

"Yes, Rose. I'll go to bed soon, sweetie. You go on ahead and I'll be there in a bit..." 

"..." She gives me that look that tells me she doesn't believe a word I just said. "Alright. Just make it soon, ok?" 

"Yes, sweetie." I give her my best smile and she turns around to go upstairs. 

I don't know why I can't be my old self around her anymore. I must sound like a total wimp. Plenty of people have told me that I'm totally whipped by her, and sadly, it's true. It's not like I want to do everything for her, or that I like everything in my life now, but something about her makes me want to keep her satisfied at the very least. Maybe it's the fear that now she's free to leave me whenever she wants. She stopped working for the Patriots right after the Big Shell Incident just like she promised, and Otacon had granted us some privacy and security by giving us new IDs to use, among other things. Just to be extra safe, I had changed our IDs another 3 times, after I left Philanthropy, to protect our son. I give a little sigh. Things sure have changed in the past five years. 

I flip through the journal and a lot of it is more of Snake talking about various things he and Otacon had done, some more about his sex life, which I am not about to disclose, and even some arguments they had. Guess even the best relationships have their sour moments... 

I don't know. The more I read, the more I'm beginning to feel like it's none of my business to know what went on in his life. Curiosity is one thing, but is it right? Maybe I should stick to finding out what I need to know, and stay away from all the things I don't... I give another little sigh... 

But I am curious about what they thought of Big Shell... hmmm...... A few more entries before bed couldn't hurt, right?... 

  


  


May 3, 2009  
I'm beginning to question myself. I've questioned myself before, like where am I going, what am I fighting for, etc., but after this last mission, I'm beginning to wonder if I might one day become like my brothers. So far, it seems like all my brothers and Big Boss were angry at the world for different things, and that to "right the wrongs," have seeked to wield supreme power. I could've turned out that way too, but I haven't yet. Power doesn't interest me, and I'm not really upset at anything. I may be a clone but I'm not a complete copy of Big Boss, and who I am - my personality, I have some control over how those are shaped, right? But still, I wonder if it will ever happen. The only thing I know for certain is that if I were to ever lose Hal... 

He is still rather shaken up over his sister's death. The only thing he's done these past few days is sulk in our room. I keep on trying to get him to do other things or talk to me, but he refuses to. He's still blaming himself for everything that's happened. He did tell me about his stepmother eventually, and how that all tied in with why he left home, but I don't understand why he blames himself so heavily for everything. I'm really worried about him. This can't be healthy. And if this is any indication, I had better make sure I don't die any time soon. I don't think he could stand to take two deaths so close to one another... Maybe we should let the other members handle more missions from now on. 

I should also talk to him about this whole thing with his stepmother. Seems to me like it still hurts him a lot, and his fear over what happened is what's causing the underlying tension that's always there when we make love. If I had known earlier,... Hal... Why are you pushing yourself to suffer so much pain unnecessarily?... 

  


  


_ May 6, 2009  
Dave said I should write to relieve some of my pain. He let me browse through his old journals, and I guess this is something that's worked for him in the past. A lot of his journals from before Shadow Moses are filled with pages upon pages of intense contemplation and pain. I never knew he suffered so much pain in his life, but I'm happy that he feels close enough to me to show me his inner-most thoughts. We never really talked much about all the stuff we went through before we met each other, mostly because we've been too busy working and dealing with our own traumas by ourselves. Dave still has nightmares about his previous missions and I think I think I can appreciate why he sort of understands how I feel right now. _

He had to kill his own father and his best friend in Zanzibar. I've never killed anyone with my own hands, but it's the same thing. I've killed just as many people through my own irresponsible actions. That's something that never leaves you. I guess Big Boss was, in almost every way, a father to him, even if they didn't call each other father and son until their last moments together. Some of Dave's old journal entries are filled with nothing but pleasant memories of Big Boss when he was Dave's commanding officer. And Frank was his best friend, almost like a brother, on the battlefield. But there is a difference between him and I. He had no choice but to kill his father and friend, but I had a choice. Even if I didn't mean to kill my father, I still did through my choice to stay quiet and not stopping my affair with Julie. And while Dave's retirement didn't hurt anyone, when I ran away, I made another choice that would end up killing EE... no, Emma... 

It's hard to think of her as Emma. I was always so much older than her and she was so little. Even now, she was still so young... If I remember correctly, she would have turned 18 in a month...

  


  


Otacon's entry abruptly stops here. The page is crinkled and there are tear stains on the paper. I can only imagine how hard it was for him to write about his sister like that... after all the years of separation, finding out that she loved him, and then seeing her die in his arms... I remember the sound of his mournful wails and the expression of intense pain written on his face that day. If Snake wasn't there to calm him, I don't think I could've on my own. I think I'll stop for tonight. Reading all this has brought back some bad memories for me as well. Solidus, the War, the days of my youth when I was hailed as the ruthless "White Devil" or "Jack the Ripper." It's all things I wish I could forget. But I can't. These things are as much a part of me as the barcodes tattooed all over my body. I got those in the War too. It was their way of keeping track of all the Child Soldiers... 

I close the journal, put it back in the box with the rest, and turn off the light to the study. 

  


  


  


  


Notes: 

-All the chapter titles will be names of various background music from MGS2: The Other Side soundtrack. Somehow, Norihiko Hibino just comes up with better music... The particular tracks also fit the chapters musically... 

-Whee! In Japan, they just released a disk called "The Documents of Metal Gear Solid 2" for PS2. In this disk are all sorts of goodies including a sound test, 5 VR missions, polygon demos, and most importantly, the entire MGS2 script!!! So, whenever I make reference to the script, I mean the script that was released on this disk. These are Kojima and co's original words and camera/scene directions, so I give them a lot of weight. 

-Knights of the Lambda-Calculus - A semi-mythical organisation of wizardly LISP and Scheme hackers. The name refers to a mathematical formalism invented by Alonzo Church, with which LISP is intimately connected. There is no enrollment list and the criteria for induction are unclear, but one well-known LISPer has been known to give out buttons and, in general, the *members* know who they are. (taken from: http://burks.brighton.ac.uk/burks/foldoc/3/64.htm) 

-Raiden and Rose still calls Otacon and Snake by their codenames out of respect, but Snake and Otacon freely call Raiden Jack. 

-Philanthropy... from the more-or-less "Official" Philanthropy site ( http://plaza28.mbn.or.jp/~projectitoh/philanthoropy/index.htm) This site is in Japanese, and I say its about as official as it gets because Project Itoh (the person that runs this site, who incidently draws and sells MGS doujinshi, and is some mangaka's assistant, though they don't tell you which mangaka...) was actually asked to write an essay for the Premium Package of MGS2 in Japan (apparently, Kojima really liked the Kojimania site that's hosted on the root directory .../~projectitoh/). If you can read Japanese, the essay he wrote is posted on the Kojimania page, and it's an interesting read. It wasn't just some fan essay either - it's more like a philosophy magazine article with a dash of commentary about Kojima's thinking and style…that's the best I can describe it as. 

As for the Philanthropy page, I'm guessing that Kojima either gave him info to use, or let him have free reign to create the "Official" Philanthropy website. So… as a warning, I must say that some of this is rather odd-sounding, but remember, Kojima's a nut for movies and references, so here's some Philanthropy basics... 

Philanthropy was founded on December 8, 2006 by an American science fiction writer named Tyler Duram after he went to a seminar at MIT. He didn't like the idea of Metal Gears running around and wanted to do something to rid the world of them. 

I'll put up more info on my webpage as soon as I translate more... 

So... Basically, Philanthropy was founded and is run by a nut who's watched a little too much Fight Club… -_-;; 

From here on, you can fill in your own info for how Snake and Otacon fit in… My version for this story is that Snake and Otacon joined up shortly after it was founded in 2006, since I don't think Tyler sounds like either Snake or Otacon in any way, shape, or form... on top of which, I doubt either Snake or Otacon were SF writers on the side... After they joined, they didn't get to do anything really until the Tanker Incident, since Snake said that they hadn't caught any news of new Metal Gears in a while in the opening sequence. During this time, Philanthropy was filing for more official recognition and support from the UN. After Snake and Otacon's blunder, Philanthropy fell off the edge, but was brought back once they had stopped numerous smaller Metal Gear operations, along with the "success" of the Big Shell Incident, and gathered enough evidence to publish the grim news internationally. So by 2010, they were back in full operation, with Otacon and Snake heading one branch that covered North America. The whole thing with the Patriots is more or less against Snake and Otacon, since they were doing the most damage to their project. Philanthropy was also getting in the Patriots' way, but they figured that once Snake and Otacon were gone, Philanthropy would be much easier to control through their monetary influence (one of the 12 is a big contributor to Philanthropy after all). 

Otacon probably learned how to fly a Kamov and drive a motor boat in a huge rainstorm during this time period. Maybe it was part of some basic training all support personnel receive. Would make some sense, right?... ^_^;; 

-Well, Hal did say in the game that he learned that you have to go out and find love instead of waiting for it to come to you...I'd say he found his love and pursued it quite well ^_^ Hal in a sailor fuku... *heh, heh* 

-Another cute little point I thought I'd bring up is: throughout the entire Plant Chapter, Snake doesn't say a thing about women, (that bit about Emma is actually really innocent in the Japanese version...Snake simply ponders if he has Otacon's permission to invite Emma to dinner in a plutonic manner (shokuji ni sasou ni wa OTACON no kyoka ga irukana...)) but you should hear the Japanese voice actor when he asks Stillman about the "security advisor" and his condition... ^_^ Sounds like he's a little overly concerned for the welfare of our favorite geek... 

-Most big (famous) dog sled races are in February and March, with a few in January. There aren't really any in December...but I guess they can have local ones and all that... @_@;; 

-Otacon still calls for Wolf in the game...I take that as she still holds a place in Otacon's heart. But who's to say that you can't hold someone dear and still love someone else, right?... Intrestingly enough, the original script calls for 2 flashbacks/references to Wolf during that scene (one was supposed to be right after Otacon makes his speech about love), but they only had 1 in the final version... hmmmm... ^_^;; 

-Raiden has a kid who is now 5, is over at his grandmother's house for part of the summer, and is named Leo... yes, that's Leo for Leonardo Di Caprio (I don't even like the guy) ...Keeping with the Titanic reference here... (Rose, Jack...cheesy, I know... but I didn't make it up... you can thank Kojima for that one :P ) 

-Rose, in my opinion, had to suffer quite a bit during the 2 years she was dating Raiden. She seems like someone who has the potential to be strong and independent, but because it was her job, she had to change herself to fit Raiden's preferences, which I believe to be a weak woman who doesn't question the man. She even said that she had to fight her way into seeing Raiden's room when they were going out. It's rumored by many that she may have also been physically abused... So now, Raiden's trying to change all that. So even if he may not like everything, he tries to keep it under control now...so I show things that he doesn't necessarily like in quotes, things like "the girls" and the "cute suburban home." 

-The parrot?...did Otacon get the parrot in the end or no?? I don't think so cause in the original script, Kojima describes the scene and says that "you see the parrot flying off, but you don't see Otacon's form. (Then you see Otacon in a car speeding away.)" That to me means that he intends for it to be a dramatic thing where Otacon's letting his sister go (or attempting thereof...). 


	2. Countdown to Disaster

akai: Hey, everyone! It's been a while, huh? *looks at calendar*... o.o;; Oops...  
Snake: You're hopeless.  
akai: Hey! Is it my fault that I've been busy?  
Snake: *glare*  
akai: *grumbling* Yes, I guess it is...  
Snake: It is.  
akai: *sweatdrop* 

Thanks go out to everyone who read this fic and reviewed, though its contents have probably long been forgotten. Special thanks go out to Valentine Angel as she persistently nagged me and hounded me through AIM to get this chapter out. 

  


  


Now, on to replying to reviews! (This is a little something I do with my other fic, so to be fair, I should do it with this one too... even if it disrupts the dark mood I'm trying to set here...^_^;; But I figure if people are nice enough to take time to review, then I should take the time to return the courtesy!) 

  


  


_Synthesis Landale  
I read this on MG Slash, actually, but wanted to comment. _

Absolutely brilliant stuff. I love Snake/Otacon. 

But eh, Snake dies! *sniff* This is already a very moving story, you really get into the minds of the characters. I love it, and can't wait for the next chapter! 

Keep up the good work! 

  


Thanks for reviewing! ^_^ I know... it's sad that Snake dies :( but that's what my twisted mind decided on for plot. I shouldn't complain, though I guess, since it's the same twisted mind that's obsessive-compulsive about getting every detail of the characterization just right... @_@;; I hope this chapter's worth the wait... 

  


  


_Channeller  
Love the set-up! Raiden reading their journals. It's also extrememly well written, which makes this one of the best metal gear fan-fics that I've read so far. More! _

  


I'm glad you liked it! I was going for something a little different when I wrote this, and the whole journal idea appealed to me. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to find that it may not be the most ideal medium since some of the stuff I'm getting into requires more description than what people write in their journals. But then again, we'll see how well it works when I get there, ne? ^_~ 

  


  


_Scarbie  
This was very, -very- good. I don't usually like shounen-ai stories, but this was extremely well written and well thought out. I like the idea of the journal entries. *LOL* and you managed to get box humor in there too! I am so impressed. Your Author's notes were very informative as well. I hope to see more MGS stuff from you in the future. _

I have a copy of the American version of 'Document of MGS2' and I must say that is the worst thing that could have happened to me. BWAHAHAHAHA. That combined with the codec text dump on gamefaqs.com makes a happy Scarbie. Now I can make fun of things accurately. BWAHAHAHAHA I really think that any MGS fan especially MGS fanfic writers should make that investment. It's great reference material. 

  


Wow *blush* I'm happy that you're enjoying my story, even if it /is/ shounen-ai. Ah, yes, Snake's beloved box... >: ) I'm glad you found the notes to be an enjoyable read. I always hope that my notes aren't too boring or useless. It's good to know they're worth something ^_^ 

As for Documents, yes, I agree. It's a great resource for MGS writers, and I highly recommend to anyone who hasn't gotten it yet to get it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Sorry, had to join in on the evil laughter! ^_^;; ) 

  


  


_Valentine Angel  
I only came back to this site to give this fic its justice and say how bloody brilliant it is, because IT IS. _

*poke* chapter! chapter chapter chapter! Want to see next one. ^^ I'll be coming to Japan next year so I'll find you if you're not careful! RAH! 

- Valentine Angel ^^;; 

  


Thank you so much for reviewing, Valentine Angel... and thanks again for all the nagging ^_^;; I dread your arrival in Japan, as that means you can also call me up and nag me on the phone and leave me strange messages on my machine, and... uh... ok, I've scared myself enough... -_-;; 

  


  


_SniperQuistis  
DAMMIT! Must... read... another chapter... Please write another! I love SXO Yaoi! _

  


^_^;; Well, here's another chapter... though I'd have to say that, unfortunately, there's no yaoi... :( Just more shounen-ai angst... -_-;; 

  


  


The usual disclaimer: Don't own squat. Konami had better not sue me for killing their character... blah. 

Indented text bits are entries - plain type is Snake, _italicized_ is Otacon. Damn FF.net for not allowing tables in html anymore... but at least I finally figured out how to have sort of indented paragraphs. Hope it's not too confusing... -_-; 

  


  


  


  


  


I know I promised Rose I would go to bed early, and I really tried, but when I laid my head down on my pillow, all these questions flooded into my mind. I still don't know how Snake died, and I have a bad feeling that things just aren't right somehow - like there's a time limit on me now to finish reading, or I may be too late for something I don't yet know. I am really beginning to think I should call Otacon up in the morning, just to make sure he's alright. 

  


The Elevator Up to Hell  
akaisakura 

  


Chapter 2: Countdown to Disaster 

  


I open the journal I was reading, carefully skipping the parts I've already read. I really don't want to be reminded of all that again. The next few entries are mostly Otacon's as he tried to sort his feelings out. You can kind of tell that Snake was working in the shadows, as it were, and that Otacon was healing slowly, but surely. The next entry surprises me, as I had no idea that this was going on. 

  


  


     _May 29, 2009  
Word came down from headquarters today. Seems like they decided that the finding of Olga's child should be handled by one of the smaller departments in our branch. I don't know. I have to wonder if there is, perhaps, a Patriot operative in our midst as this is entirely too convenient for them to keep Dave and I out of the picture. Knowing the Patriots, I wouldn't be surprised if they turned Olga's child into an experiment, just like Dave, Jack and Frank. We will definitely protest this decision, but most likely, we'll have to work in the shadows on our own. _

Dave was furious when he heard the decision. He had promised Olga that he would find her child, and he's not about to let Philanthropy have its way about this one. I don't know. While I agree with him and I also feel that we should be the ones to do this, I also know that we are the only two who can handle some of the more intense missions. If we were to divide our attentions, I'm afraid that we would be putting ourselves in danger. I guess I'm just very mixed about this issue. I want to do what's right, but I also want to help in the best way we can, and if that means letting someone else find Olga's child while we concentrated on our specialty, then... But I will still support Dave, even if it means going against our order. 

  


  


I had no idea Otacon was so mixed about this, or that they'd never really been granted permission to work on this case. I know I said that I'd worked with Philanthropy in the past, but I was never really part of the whole thing. Rose made me promise that I'd only help out when the guys needed me, and she practically threatened Snake and Otacon to not let me go on too many missions. Needless to say, I was only with Philanthropy for a short while. When I had asked about Olga's child about half a year after Big Shell, they had given me a vague answer, but assured me that they were looking for the child. In the end, I don't think they won their appeal and had to search for Olga's child in the scraps of time between missions. 

  


  


     June 2, 2009  
Those bastards are really asking for it! Hal's been trying to calm me down all day, but those bastards are really asking for it! If we're really in charge of our branch, then why are we being stopped at every turn?! So we don't have all of North America under our jurisdiction, but you'd think they'd let us search our sector at the very least. "It's a personal agenda," they say. Well, yes, so what if it is? I promised Olga, and a promise is a promise. I'm not about to break one for bureaucratic red-tape. I keep telling Hal we should leave Philanthropy, at least for a little while so we can concentrate on this, but he wants to stay. He does make a good point that Philanthropy has more resources and a good network in place, but what good's a network if you can't use it? 

  


  


_June 6, 2009  
Dave is still fuming about the appeal. I think that was, quite possibly, the quickest turn-around time for an appeal ever. It was like we had just sent out our appeal when we got a response back about how we're going against what's best for the organization for a personal matter, etc., etc., etc. I can't say that I disagree with them, as Philanthropy's purpose is the elimination of Metal Gears, but there's a side of me that also agrees that we should do what's right, which is fulfill our promise and rescue Olga's child from whatever the Patriots are putting him or her through for their own purposes. _

I think that it's basically come down to this: we will have to work on our own for this and in our spare time, if such a thing exists. I only hope that we can find Olga's child sooner rather than later. I don't want to know what other kinds of dehumanizing things the Patriots are capable of... 

  


  


June 8, 2009  
Hal's an incredible guy. I know I haven't been the best guy to be around lately, but he's sorta calmed me down and he said that he'd be willing to help me look. I wish I could help him, but I'm no hacker. I'm sure I could learn, but it'd take years for me to get good enough so I can hack into top secret databases, so I have to count on Hal. I'm kinda worried that it'll be too much for him, with him hacking for info on Metal Gears already, but he said that he'll be fine. "It'll be like searching for two things instead of one for each database I hack anyway," he says. 

I'm glad he's here to help. I'm not sure what I would've done without him. Thanks again, Hal. 

  


  


_June 10, 2009  
You're welcome anytime, Dave! ^_^ _

I think Dave has finally calmed down enough to think rationally about this whole thing. He's agreed to stay in Philanthropy, but he made it clear that while he wants to destroy Metal Gears, he is making Olga's child his first priority. I know he's worried about me, but I'm really ok. I'm pretty sure I can handle it. I'm just not sure our wallets can. Coffee consumption's about to go up by 300%... 

  


  


This whole thing with Olga's child… There's something about this that isn't agreeing with me. I put aside any unpleasant feelings for now and continue reading, as I still have that nagging feeling to finish reading everything before it's too late for... something... 

I skim through the rest of the entries for this journal and the beginning of the next one. A lot of it is more personal, day to day thoughts that the two of them have. Seems like their Thanksgiving and Christmas were particularly... uh, romantic. I've got to stop reading those entries. 

  


  


     _January 1, 2010  
Happy New Year! Or at least to me. Dave suffered another horrible hangover this morning. I don't think he'll ever learn not to drink so much. I keep telling him not to, but does he listen, no, of course not! Oh well. _

In other news, as a great present to the two of us, I hit jackpot today and found our first piece of solid evidence as to the whereabouts of Olga's child. Looks like Olga had a girl and she is being held somewhere in the States. For now, I think we'll name her Katrina. The report I found today was brief, but I am fairly certain that it's her. I think Dave will be very happy to hear that we're finally on our way to rescuing her. 

I will have to be a lot more cautious from now on, though. If anything, Big Shell taught Dave and I that there's more than one force out there that's capable of interfering with us, namely the Patriots, Ocelot and Liquid. 

  


  


January 4, 2010  
It's great that Hal's found something. It's been kinda boring lately since there hasn't been any info about Metal Gears recently, but I guess I should be happy about that. It's been nice for me since I could finally pay some attention to my dogs. Ever since we joined Philanthropy four years ago, I've only been racing on and off whenever I had time, and because of Big Shell, I had to skip all the races last season. But if we find out more about Katrina, then my dogs'll probably be suffering in the cold again. Well, at least Olga'll be able to rest once we find Katrina and bring her home. 

  


  


It seems that Snake and Otacon prepared for their rescue mission from about mid-February until mid-May. Most of the entries after this one are about the mission, or something they found, or Snake fuming about an impasse they hit with the Philanthropy bigwigs. I guess I'll actually read a few select ones. 

  


  


     February 10, 2010  
Couldn't sleep, so I figured I should write something, since it is my turn and all. The first half of the course's over, so it's just tomorrow. Hal's long asleep, or I hope he is anyway. He actually told a good joke today that wasn't completely over my head. Usually, his jokes have something to do with anime or computers or both. I can get some of his computer jokes sometimes, but his anime ones are definitely beyond me. 

The race went alright today, and my finishing time put me at 8th place for now. I need to make up quite a bit of lost time if I hope to pull myself to 1st place tomorrow. I made a simple mistake that cost me a little bit of time. There was a bit of a tough turn in the course and I thought we could make it, but I didn't turn the sled at the right time and I accidentally flipped the sled. That cost me about twenty minutes as I had to repack everything back on the sled in the middle of heavy snowfall and get back on course. I'm embarrassed to think that I could make such a stupid mistake when I've been racing for almost ten years now. Oh, well. What's done is done. No worries. I can make up that time tomorrow. 

  


  


There's a page here that's been folded over lengthwise into the spine and sealed shut at three points. I can faintly see the handwriting through the paper, though not too well as it looks like there was only one page of writing and a second page was folded on top to cover the writing. It looks like Snake's handwriting. I guess this is a continuation of the entry, but maybe it was something Snake didn't want Otacon to read. It must be hard keeping a journal with another person. I'm surprised there aren't more personal thoughts and sealed pages in this diary. But, then, maybe those two didn't hold secrets from each other, at least not by this point in their relationship. I wonder if I should read what's inside. I've already intruded so much into their lives that a little more couldn't hurt, right? But somehow, it's still not right. I turn the question over and over again in my mind. Finally, I make my decision. 

"I'm sorry, Snake," I whisper as I break the seals and open the page. 

  


  


     There is one thing that I am worried about, though. Hal doesn't seem to remember, or maybe we both just want to ignore it, but I still wonder about FoxDie. Liquid mentioned something about how I was "passed up" for the program, but Naomi had once said that she had tampered with it, so it's like a time bomb with its timer set to some unknown time remaining. I wonder who was telling the truth then. I wonder who's telling the truth now. 

I'm beginning to feel my mortality, even more than when I'm on the field. On the field, you know you might die, but you still have some control. I can try and avoid confrontations, I can control my actions so I can survive in a fighting situation, but when you're just sitting at home in a peaceful time like this, sometimes, something just descends and sits in your chest and you feel the weight of having lived so long. Maybe Liquid's right. My genes are vintage by now. What happens when your body is no longer blessed by the favor of the gods? What will happen to Hal if I were to die? 

I don't know why I'm dwelling on this, or why this has been on my mind recently. Maybe it's just that natural thing that people do when they reach that mid-life crisis thing. I really shouldn't take that little screw up this afternoon so seriously. I mean, people make simple mistakes all the time. 

  


  


_March 26, 2010  
We turned in preliminary plans today to Philanthropy headquarters outlining what we've found and our intentions. It basically stated that we were going to "go and destroy the Metal Gear" that's conveniently located where Katrina's currently being held. Not that it isn't the truth, since they are developing a Metal Gear there, but I guess this is what people would call "bias" and "pursuing personal agendas". Well, whether the bigwigs will buy it or not is up to them. Dave's going to blow someone up if another one of our plans gets rejected again. I, on the other hand, will just chalk it up as the usual red-tape you deal with in the private sector. I have to admit, though, it's not nearly as bad as when I was working for the government. At least here, we get some say in what we want to do. _

  


  


March 28, 2010  
I grant you the private sector's not so bad, but there's been so much blocking us that we might as well be back in the military. What happened to being the "head directors" of the North American continent? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that whoever the Patriot mole is has gained a pretty tight control of Philanthropy and is the one who's really running the show. I mean, Metal Gears around the world are being destroyed, just like in Philanthropy's mission statement, but for some reason, there's a lack of urgency and way too much crap to deal with here in North America. It may just be my imagination, but I'm usually not wrong about things like this. Humph. Looks like we can call Philanthropy (North America) a branch of the Patriots. 

  


  


_April 1, 2010  
I don't believe it! We got the go-ahead from headquarters. Looks like they bought out story after all. Still, Dave might be right. If the Patriots really do have that much control on Philanthropy, then aren't we just doing what they want? Aren't we just pawns again?_

  


  


_April 15, 2010  
Taxes? Hah! What are those? :P_

  


  


May 2, 2010  
This is beginning to bother me. Philanthropy hasn't tried to interfere with us in the past month since we got their authorization. Last time we were on a mission, they tried to find out every detail of our plans. This time, nothing. Not a peep. If it is the Patriots, wouldn't they know that if they suddenly stopped bothering us, we'd notice something was up? Or is this part of their plan? I hope we're prepared enough for this. I'd hate for something to go wrong. But then, when've I **_ever_** been on a mission where nothing's gone wrong? 

  


  


_May 14, 2010  
The day is drawing nearer. I'm getting a bit nervous and I'm sure Dave is too, even if he doesn't show it on the outside. We have a little less than a week left until we execute this mission and I'm beginning to get worried about things I may have overlooked. We both agree that this is most likely a set-up the Patriots are allowing us to walk right into, but that doesn't mean that we can't ****_try_ to stack the odds a little in our favor. I mean, I believe that Dave has the ability to turn this mission into a success, like all his other missions, but a few extra precautions couldn't hurt, right? Maybe I should find out what the soldiers wear and are equipped with... _

  


  


_May 19, 2010  
Why does he have to be so stubborn?! He acts like he doesn't even care that I'm just trying to watch out for his well-being!! He ****_knows_ this mission is a set-up, so why is he blowing me off like I'm over exaggerating the possibilities?! _

All I wanted him to do was wear some spare camos that look like the sentry's on top of his sneaking suit, and he absolutely refused! He wanted to wear only his usual sneaking suit, saying that the extra clothing would only slow him down and get in his way. I kept on telling him that his suit is not a bulletproof vest, and that I was just concerned for his well-being. He grumbled at me and said that I shouldn't doubt his ability, to which I replied, "I'm not doubting your ability, Dave...I'm just worried. I mean, you're pushing yourself too hard and the years are catching up with you." And of course he takes great offense to such a statement. The great and legendary Solid Snake doesn't age **that**_ quickly, or so he thinks. I can't win with him! _

Tonight was one of those nights when he's just being impossible. What an awful time for one of his macho moods to come out. I mean, this may have been fine and well with Meryl, but I'm not her, in case he hasn't noticed. 

  


  


There's another one of those folded pages here. I wonder why Otacon never opened any of these after Snake's death. I know he respects Snake and his privacy, but I wonder if he ever thought about what Snake was keeping from him... I apologize again, and carefully open this entry. 

  


  


     May 20, 2010  
I just had to write this before we leave this morning. Hal's still asleep and it's about 3:30 am right now. I'll have to wake him up in about half an hour. 

I'm sorry, Hal. I didn't mean to yell at you. I care about you more than anyone else in the world, but last night, I just didn't want to face the fact that I am aging. I know you don't know a thing about my recent worries concerning this. I don't want to depress you with these kinds of thoughts. Your life is already painful enough, and I want to give you nothing but happiness. You deserve that much. People don't always get what they deserve, but I'm going to try to give you what you should've gotten in the first place for the rest of our lives. I know what I said last night probably wasn't the best thing to say, and I probably just worried you all the more, but I'm sorry. I don't want to think about these kinds of things, especially because we're going into this mission today. 

I may be a little cold today, but don't worry about me. I need to focus and so do you. We can't let thoughts of death invade our mind. 

  


  


_May 23, 2010  
I've never directly killed anyone before. Never. I don't like violence. I despise guns. I don't want to harm anyone, but somehow, all the people I love always end up dead. Why? Why must I be cursed to kill everyone I love? First my father, then Wolf... Emma... and now... now... _

I was feeling really awful about the fight we had the night before. I mean, that night, I just went to bed, and in the morning, we ignored each other as though a "we" never existed. It was just strictly Dave and Hal... or Snake and Otacon. Normally, we keep our civilian lives out of the mission anyway, or find a way to force it out, but this time, I just couldn't do it. 

All I did was say, "I love you," but that was enough to get him killed. 

It's all my fault. I had just finished giving him some advice about the area, when I just couldn't take the tension anymore. I broke down and took two extra seconds of time that broke his concentration. He was spotted by a sentry, and all I could hear for the next minute were the sounds of gunfire and heavy breathing as the sentry opened fire on him. By chance, a bullet grazed Dave's neck, cutting his jugular open. He instantly fell to the floor. I tried to talk to him, to ask him if he was alright, and he told me that he had been shot in the neck. I didn't want to believe it, but all the monitors were blinking warning messages at me. The suit's sensors confirmed that he had been shot in the neck. I could hear the sentry talking into his 2-way, calling for backup, as he stood there, towering over my Dave. 

That's when he told me one last time that he loved me, and that he would always love me. But he also told me to be strong, to move on after he was gone, and most importantly, to live. He apologized and said that I was right, that he should have listened to me, and that he was glad that he had someone who cared so much. Then he wished he could see me one last time, and faded into unconsciousness. 

I watched the monitors in the silence of soft warning beeps and flashing words while tears streamed down my face. Slowly, his vital signs dropped toward zero, and then, the loud, piercing scream of the monitor system matched my own as I lashed out in rage at myself. Dave was dead. 

  


  


  


  


  


Notes: 

-Olga's child became a major catalyst for this chapter, and you'll see a little bit more of her later, but I'm not sure how much more I'm actually going to develop her, so we'll see... 

- There's a little too much foreshadowing in this chapter, but you can't really ever have too much, right? ^_~ See if you can pick them all up! ^_^ There's even foreshadowing for future chapters! 

- Half way through writing this chapter, I kinda forgot how I wanted Snake and Otacon to sound. I started mixing sentence structures and styles. Otacon's writing loosened up, and Snake's became a little more formal... Oops... but then again, Snake's had some heavy things to think about, so I think the heavier writing fits better. Also, who's to say that when they write, they don't sound different from when they talk?... I know I do ^_^;; Along those lines too, I tried to make them not sound so lovey-dovey, but I think I failed on that account, and they ended up sounding sappier than I had hoped (well, Snake's sappier than I had wanted... I can see Otacon being this sappy... -_-;; ). Then again, these /are/ supposed to be their "inner thoughts" so who's to say they aren't sappy on the inside? (like a Snickers bar! Tough and hard on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside... @_@;; er, ok, that was stupid, I know... *runs away while pondering how perfect of an analogy a Snickers bar is to Snake... hmmm....* ) 

-Dog sled racing! Snake just wouldn't be himself if he didn't continue to race any chance he got ^_^;; This race was supposed to be a 2 day race, and as I said in the last chapter, Snake has a tendency to think too much when he's out on the course. Last time, it was only a day race, so Otacon was able to keep him company the entire time. This time, he's on his own after Otacon goes to bed, and that leaves a very vulnerable and contemplative Snake to think about more sobering thoughts. 

-Snake starts to think about his own mortality. He's in his very late 30's or early 40's (probably the latter) by the time this fic takes place, and it's not uncommon for people to start having mid-life crises around this time. Given the nature of Snake's job, I'd say that he has a lot to worry about, not to mention that he's been going out with Otacon for a little over two years now. Snake's seen Otacon's very negative reaction to the death of a loved one, so it's something that's going to weigh heavily on his mind. I guess I just wanted to show that it wasn't all Otacon's fault that Snake died, since Snake was also distracted in his own way, and that most things in life are rarely the fault of just one person. I think the reader will see exactly what I mean later on in the story... >: ) (Thanks go out to ee970 for helping me come up with a more coherent reason as to why Snake would suddenly fall into a mid-life crisis ^_^ ) 

-That whole thing with FoxDie... Does anyone actually know what the @#)&% is up with that? Naomi says one thing, and then Liquid says another... or is it just a convenient plot hole the wonderful people at Konami wrote in so Snake doesn't up and croak one day, leaving them with Raiden as the only character left in MGS5?... (but who knows... by then, Raiden may actually be cool... after all, Snake became "cool" after 3 games... -_-;; ) 

-Had to squeeze in a tax joke, since the IRS found me all the way in Japan. Had a wonderful surprise the other day when I opened my mailbox and there was a huge white envelope with a neatly printed label on it and crisp tax forms in it. Fortunately for me, I'm going to be out of the country for more than 330 days, so I can laugh it off and not pay a cent of taxes to the Patriots, er, oh, wait, the US Government. Sides, who wants to give money to Bush anyway??... :P Otacon's laughing taxes off cause they're working for a non-profit organization and they don't get much money anyway. If anything, they should get refunds! ^_^;; (ok, that's a little /too/ poor... but you get the point.) 

-No, it's not a mistake. I do not have an inconsistency. Snake and Otacon don't become the official heads of the North American branch of Philanthropy until 2010 (according to me ^_^;; ). In 2009, they're only in charge of the northern half of North America, from Alaska down to about Maryland. I only mentioned that briefly last time in the notes (but that's been a while, huh?... -_-;; ) 

-This chapter dealt a lot with Philanthropy, as if you couldn't tell. As to why I made Philanthropy evil was simply because it made sense... Imagine if you were the Patriots. What better way to get rid of your enemy's Metal Gears than to take over the organization that was made to get rid of them? In the game, there was already a shadow of the Patriot's influence present when Otacon confirmed that one of the biggest contributors to Philanthropy was one of the Wisemen. It's not /too/ far of a stretch to think the Patriots could one day assume complete control, right?... -_-;; 

-Yes, there is a reason why the ending of this chapter sounds like it's not finished... that's cause it's not... well, I mean, Otacon's entry isn't finished, not that the chapter's not done... ^_^;; But I wanted to cut the chapter at this point because... well, that would give the plot away, now wouldn't it...? ^_~ Let's just say that it leads right into the next arc of this story. I also wanted to capture a little of the unfinished feeling, and leave the chapter in a loud spot plotwise with a quiet image fraught with emotion... added to the scream of Otacon (ever the drama queen that I can be... :P ) 

-And, Snake dies... *sniffle* Damn it. But this is my crazed mind at work, so who knows... anything could happen... >: ) Predictions, anyone?... 

  


  


Ok, until next time... which I promise won't be in four months... but it might be three... -_-;; 

Snake: It'd better not be!  
akai: Aren't you supposed to be dead??...  
Snake: I don't care about that kind of crap! I will haunt you with a SOCOM pointed at your head until you finish.  
akai: Like I'm afraid of a ghostly, unreal, ethereal gun... uh huh.  
Snake: ...  
akai: Uh huh... thought so.  
Snake: ... Damn it.  
Otacon: *sigh* Guess the job falls on my shoulders, huh?  
Snake: Guess so.  
Otacon: *sigh* Guess I should start nagging now...  
akai: Ack! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 


	3. Prelude to the Denouement

Snake: Don't start.  
akai: Hai, ok, I won't... *bows head in shame* 

  


  


_Sephira Strife  
No! Snake dies! Sniff! But your story is really but really great! Fanfiction.net needs more stories like your! _

Sephira Strife the insane French talking girl from Quebec. 

  


Aah, thankies for the review! ^_^ *blush* Oh, Canada ^_^ There's nothing wrong with speaking French and being insane! It's like when I go nuts and start jabbering in nonsensical Japanese~! Or English for that matter! 

  


  


_Blackraven8  
Nice work! _

  


Thanks ^_^ 

  


  


_Synthesis Landale  
Goddammit, why didn't anyone tell me this was updated.. I had to come here and find it for myself. _

Another great chapter, keep em coming. 

On the FOXDIE point, I was talking with Val, I have a fic planned, but I'm working on what will hopefully be my first novel right now (original yaoi) so I haven't the time to write it. But I promise, one day, I will get around to it and you will see my views. 

Snake definately has to have carried FOXDIE. Otherwise, how would everyone have died of "heart attack" in MGS1? I thought what Liquid said went more along the lines of Snake being chosen because he *was* old. 

And. you got the little eyes welling up here with the death part. Poor Hal! Everyone dies on him. :( 

~Synth 

  


Heh... I'm really lousy with updates, aren't I??... ^.^;; 

Yes, poor Hal... ;_; *cries some more* Good luck with your original yaoi!! I'm looking forward to seeing it ^_^ 

  


  


_Valentine Angel  
^.^ Yay! The nagging paid off! (I wasn't that bad, was I? Bwahaha.) _

Otacon will hack your PC and check how chapter three's coming along. He's depressed. He needs fic. *it always works for me* ^^; 

Aw, I really wanna know what Raiden's thinking now, reading all this depressing inside-o stuff. 

  


Yes, all your nagging did indeed pay off ^_^ Gomen, ne... this chapter doesn't have nearly as much Raiden... -_-;; 

  


  


_Salsa Kitty  
I love this story! _

SNAKE! SNAKE! SNAKE!  
*Salsa Kitty runs around and screams his name like they always do when you die in the game ^.^* 

This is such a great story, I can't even begin to describe how much I love this story. Please, keep up the good work and update soon. 

Salsa Kitty ^.^ 

  


Is soon a relative word?? Can I change the definition to akai-standard time?? ^.^;;; I'm glad you like this story so much. I hope you'll enjoy this section as well. 

Screaming for Snake... could be a new international game!... or not... but it'd be fun! =^_^= 

  


  


_Kat UK  
Wow! I love this! ^_^ I've only just started reading Metal Gear fics, this being one of the first, and what a fic to start with! Well done ^_^! _

  


Thankies ^_^ I tend to take forever to update since real-life keeps on getting in the way, but I hope you've found other great fics to read in the meantime (MGSlash... *plug, plug*) Course, if you're already on the ML, that's not a problem, right? ^_^ (I'm horribly behind there too... I haven't even been lurking... urk.) 

  


  


_kimlore  
I was waiting forever for the second part. _

This is unteresting. 

Different from other story I read so far. 

Love it. 

Until next time. 

  


Glad you like it ^_^ I'm always trying to make things interesting, but it usually turns into me torturing my characters... heh, heh... ^_^;; Ah, I'm sorry that you've waited yet another 5 months... -_- I am soooo bad with this updating thing... :( I hope the quality of this chapter makes up for the lack of quantity... 

  


  


_LadyLily1  
Hey, I have to tell how much I love this fic! I first read it on Metal Gear Slash, and now... I'm so relieved to read the second chapter, very well done, don't let me wait for so long again!^__~ _

  


MGSlash... Whee! Gotta go thank Valentine Angel some more for her wonderous site ^_^ I'm happy you didn't give up on this fic, since I'm always afraid that people'll have forgotten it due to my lack of updates... -_- *sigh* But thank you for sticking with me! (^_^)v 

  


  


And so, on that note, and without wasting any more time, I present chapter 3... 

Indented bits are Otacon's entries. 

Requisite disclaimer: *looks at fic* Another one?? Do I really have to??............ -_-;; 

  


  


  


  


  


I stare at the last sentence, and read it again and again. So this is how Snake died. And this is why Otacon couldn't tell anyone. It was too personal. I continue to read the rest of the entry. 

  


  


     _I will never get to see him again. I can't even give him the funeral he deserves. Gods know what those bastards did with his body after he died. I can only imagine they probably dumped his body in some shallow hole in the ground at best. I don't want to think of what other things they could have done. By the time I had patched into their security cameras, all that was left of Dave was a large crimson pool of rapidly drying blood..._

  


  


The Elevator Up to Hell  
akaisakura 

  


Chapter 3: Prelude to the Denouement 

  


  


It's now 12 am, and I need to stretch for a bit. Otacon's last entry is like something out of a bad dream. Poor guy. I don't want to say that it's his fault Snake's dead, but... well,... What am I saying? I mean, when Rose was my support during the Big Shell Incident... No. If I were to die on a mission because of something Rose said, I would never blame her. It would be my own stupid fault for not being careful. When I call Otacon later today, I'll make sure I tell him that. I'm sure Snake wouldn't blame him either. 

I walk back to the study with a glass of iced tea and settle back in for more reading. It seems that Otacon decided not to write for a while because the next entry isn't until... 

  


  


     _August 29, 2010  
My worst fear... it has come true. All these months, I've been digging around for any signs that the Patriots are using Dave for experiments, and I'm beginning to find more than I want to believe. I was afraid that they had gotten a hold of him, and it looks like they have. I'm going to try to find out where they're keeping him, and gods willing, find a way to rescue him. I don't think I can count on Philanthropy's help anymore, even if I'm still working for them. Maybe it's about time I quit and went solo... It's just that there are still so many people who need to be trained..._

  


  


I just realized that I didn't listen to the DVD for Snake's last mission. I know I probably shouldn't, but I really think I need to. It's just something that I want to hear for myself. Call it rubber-necking if you want, but I think it's an important piece of the story. I dig around in the box and look among the DVDs. They're all neatly labeled with the dates of the missions and the locations. 

That's strange. The DVD for the last mission is missing... Did Otacon keep it? I thought he said he wanted to move on... But how can he move on if... Maybe it's nothing. Maybe he just wants to keep it private. I mean, I would if I were him. From Otacon's entry, it sounds like Snake said some pretty personal things to him. I'll ask him about it when I call him. 

  


  


     _September 17, 2010  
I worked a little more on that fake ID today. I don't think there's much more I can do other than plugging up a few holes. I will still keep my old identity, Hal Emmerich, Head Director of Operations, Philanthropy North America, but that Hal is now just a figurehead. I have no doubt that the Patriots will catch on and figure this out rather quickly, but I'm hoping that it will buy me enough time to get in and get out. When I go undercover, I'll be John Stevenson. Stupid name, I know, but I'm not one for creative names. Besides, it should draw less attention if it's an average name, right? I have a slightly above average resume for someone who's been "working" in the tech industry for 10 years, but low profile is what I'm aiming for anyway. I just need to get in at a level high enough to work on a project close to Dave. Then I should be able to get him out. _

As for what I look like, I think Dave would have a fit if he knew what I looked like now. I bleached my hair a little so it's now more of a dirty blond, and I cut it to a nice, acceptable haircut. I have a slight sideburn to top it off. I've also lost a lot of weight. Oh, and I almost forgot. I had to get rid of my glasses, and I've been trying to get used to these grey contacts I bought online. I can just see Dave's expression as he watches me poke my eyes to put these things in. He's squeamish about the strangest things. He told me once that he loved me in my glasses because he liked the look of glasses. Of course, he never had any reason to wear them since he had perfect vision, but just for fun, I made him wear mine for a bit once, just to see how he'd look. He nearly tripped as he walked over to the mirror to see how he looked. I guess my eyes are pretty bad. Oh, Dave, please. Please wait... just a little longer. 

  


  


October 4, 2010  
Ok, I'm ready to go in now. I think I'll go crazy if I don't do something now. Also, it seems like they just lost their second assistant mechanical engineer in a year, so they'll probably be quick to hire. I just hope that "John Stevenson" has good enough credentials to get hired. 

I've also finished setting up my routing system. While I'm at the lab, I'm going to have all my work routed through my mainframe here in Alaska. I really hope my front holds up. If Philanthropy find out earlier than expected, I could be screwed really big time. 

  


  


October 8, 2010  
I moved into the lab today. I was right. They were desperate to hire. The people who ran the interview did a "thorough" background check before our actual meeting, and came up with nothing, so they hired me the next day. I'm surprised the Patriots are not pickier than they are, but I guess since there aren't people lining up to apply, they don't have much of a choice. But still... I'm worried. Security should be tighter, and they should be more suspicious, especially with projects of this level happening here. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. I mean, I don't remember going through a lot of crazy background checks and complicated spy stuff when I was hired for the REX project... but times have also changed since then... 

The entrance to the lab looks like a storage shack in the middle of nowhere, but in actuality, it houses an elevator down to the lower floors where the labs are, along with the armory and the all-terrain vehicles. I suspect that the snow will start piling up once it gets to be winter, since Maine is known for that kind of thing. The layout is quite simplistic, and I'm guessing this lab doesn't get used for much outside of one or two top level projects a year. The people here seem friendly enough, and they're just doing their jobs. I guess I'll meet more of them later. 

  


  


October 10, 2010  
I nearly broke down when I got my assignment today. I was put on project 60592-S8319, also known as "The Snake Project". I still haven't seen him yet, but they told me that I should report to that section tomorrow and that I'll be introduced to the project. 

  


  


October 11, 2010  
Dave. I can't believe what they're doing to him. It's too inhuman to believe, and yet, that's what they're doing. The drug that they're pumping into his veins, it's the same as the one they used on Frank, slightly modified, but the side effect remains. How can they do this? He's already showing signs of dependency to the drug, and as if that's not bad enough, the drug is slowly paralyzing him so that the only way he can move is when he's in their specially designed exoskeleton. When I saw him today, I couldn't help but see Frank there in his place. What am I going to do? 

They put Dave in a tall, vertical tank, not unlike something you'd see in a bad B-rated sci-fi movie, mask and all. I was told that the fluid helps keep him alive since he's really supposed to be dead. Also, the fluid's helping his body heal since if they left it up to nature, it would take forever. I suspect that there are nanomachines in the fluid. There's a scar on his neck from where the bullet hit, and it looks like that bullet did quite a bit of damage. Even though it's healed back now, there's still a slight indent there. 

Could he see me, I wonder, as he floated there in his tank like some pet fish. Dave, did you think I was betraying you by "working" with the enemy? But I know you know me well enough to know that this is just a ploy. I **will**_ get you out. The effects have to be reversible. There's no drug that doesn't have an antidote... as long as it's administered in time... _

I just wonder what their ultimate plan is. I'm afraid of where this project will go from here. 

  


  


October 19, 2010  
I have a pretty good understanding of this suit they use now, since I'm the one in charge of repairs. After some tinkering, I've found that the biggest hurdle to getting Dave out will be an update from the lab's mainframe that is required every twelve hours. Basically, the mainframe sends the suit a different code every twelve hours, and if that code is not received by the suit, it shuts down and is inoperable until it gets a re-activation code from the mainframe. I have to break the code somehow. There has to be a way to simulate the mainframe. If I can do that, I think I can build a small key that can keep us going until I figure out how to reverse all the things they've done to him. The other problem is power. The suit relies on power from a stationary source right now, but if I could make some sort of battery pack... 

  


  


October 27, 2010  
I asked why the suit doesn't have a vocalizing system today because I wanted to know if I could somehow talk with Dave. The other scientists asked what good it would do since it doesn't matter what the "subject" wants to say or thinks. Besides, they reasoned, if you can't hear the "subject's" voice, it's less human. Whatever helps them sleep at night, I guess. But I don't care. I need to talk with Dave no matter what. I'm going to install some sort of system. I have to. 

  


  


November 11, 2010  
A new "experiment" was transferred in today, and I swear the world is against me. The new transfer is Katrina. I'm going to have to rethink all of my plans again now. But on the up side, this is very helpful. I can get both of them out at once. I just hope I can actually pull it off. 

And I also hope this isn't the Patriots' subtle way of telling me that they've caught on. 

  


  


November 17, 2010  
The fates like playing with me, it seems. I came across a guard today as he was taking a cigarette break. At first, I didn't think anything of it, and I was about to just walk over and tell him not to smoke so close to the lab, but when I got closer, my heart nearly stopped. There in the man's hand was Dave's favorite lighter. I was so certain, and so absolutely sure that I just had to see it. I persuaded the guard to move away from the lab, but in order to see the lighter, I had to "bum" a cigarette off of the guy. He knew right away I didn't smoke, since I nearly died right there from the coughing fit I had, but he bought the story that I hadn't smoked in years because of some girl who made me quit. 

At least it afforded me a chance to see the lighter. 

And I was right. It is unmistakably his. Only Dave's lighter would have so many marks on it, and they were all there. A red mark for each mission he survived. That's how he kept track of how many times his life was at stake. And that's how he used to rub it in my face when I'd lecture him about smoking. "I'm more likely to die from some mission than these cigs," he would say. And I would just roll my eyes as I replied, "I don't want you to die, period, but couldn't you do just **one**_ favor for your lover?" I guess he proved himself right and I could've spared us a few arguments if I had known he would be right. _

Anyway, in the end, I managed to convince the guard, and he let me keep the lighter. He told me that it was just some silly lighter he got from a friend, who got it from another guard who just happened to have found it in some storage closet when he needed a light. I wanted to strangle him right there. If he, or anyone else, dares to say that something of Dave's is "silly", I swear... 

I'm looking at the lighter again, and I count each groove as I run my fingers over them. 

Oh, shit. I just remembered. This lighter was plain. It never had any color on it... which means that the red color that's stained into the marks is... Da...ve's... 

  


  


November 19, 2010  
I found out a little more about what they're doing to Katrina. It seems like so far, they've only tried to do some basic brainwashing. She is only 2 after all. But I saw that in the near future, they plan on doing some basic training with her. Looks like they want to make her into a little clone of her mother. I'm guessing that that's where Dave's genes come into play. I have a strong suspicion that they brought her here so that they could do gene therapy on her using Dave's genes. I shudder to think that this is how twisted it can get. I've heard that women make the best assassins; I just wish that wasn't the truth. 

  


  


November 21, 2010  
Anniversary. 

I broke down and cried today at the sight of my Dave, suspended in fluid, surrounded by glass. I wasn't supposed to be at the lab today, as they knew I wanted Sundays off, but I couldn't help myself. I know I surprised the other scientists when I showed up claiming I had to fix some part of the suit. I think I surprised them even more when I started crying in front of Dave's "cell". I know it's all monitored and there were cameras everywhere, but they bought the story well enough that I don't care anymore. I told them that I just found out that my sister had died and that I had wanted to get away and work on something to keep me from getting depressed. They let me stay and I tinkered with the suit a bit, installed the voice amplification circuits, and then came back here. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've figured out how to over-ride the security update problem, but I still haven't figured out how to break both him and Katrina out. I'm no good at this sort of thing. Sneaking was always Dave's expertise. I can survey and plan, but that's not the same thing. All the planning in the world doesn't give me the skills I need. I haven't had the chance to talk with Dave about this yet since I'm never alone with him, and I'm not sure what he'll say when he hears what I have to say. Every day that passes drains him of his intelligence and sanity. I fear that if I don't get him out of here soon, he may go insane as Frank once did. 

  


  


December 7, 2010  
I managed to get some time alone with Dave today, thanks to some good timing, and a convenient "malfunctioning" of the security camera system. Dave drifts in and out of sleep now since that's all that he really can do, but I think he knew I was working on him today with the other scientists, so he tried to stay awake. I thought I could see his eyes looking at me right before they put him in the suit. 

When we talked, it was strange. I felt like he wasn't all there, and at times, he admitted that it was hard to stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time. We talked as fast as we could, and I tried to catch him up on what has happened. And I told him about my plan. He thought it was a good plan, but had potential problems if we couldn't time it correctly. Also, he was afraid that we wouldn't be able to get Katrina out as well since she is under heavy security, and it may be hard to get to her without killing anyone, on top of the fact that a screaming two year-old is going to attract a lot of attention when we try to escape. The suit is not designed to give Dave much mobility, and he has the strength of an average guy off the street while he's wearing it. They thought of everything when they made this suit. I could tinker with it some more, but I think they would notice the modifications, since like I've been saying, I'm never alone when I'm working. We agreed that we would try though, as he kept emphasizing over and over that Katrina was our number one priority, and he left it up to me to plan all the details and timing. I'm also going to try to destroy all the samples of Dave that they have. I don't know what I would do if they cloned him. 

The code key is almost complete. I just have to finish programming it and we're good to go. 

  


  


It looks like Otacon came back to finish this entry later. The handwriting is a little different and the pressure of the pen is a little harder. I think he probably took a great deal of time to write this next part. 

  


  


     _When I was talking with him, I couldn't help but cry, but we ignored those tears because we both knew we had very little time. I wanted to hold him then, but he was encased in that cold metal, and I know I can never feel his warm body against mine again. As we talked, I felt more and more hope and for the first time, in a long time, I could see a little bit of the future. But when I left his side today, I felt that light disappearing. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I wish that this nightmare would end, that I would wake up in our bed, in Alaska, and Dave would have his strong arms wrapped around me as he tried to calm me down like he always did when I woke up from a bad dream. _

  


  


December 31, 2010  
Dave is free. And the price was Katrina's freedom. I sacrificed her... as the Patriots knew I would. I'm sorry, Olga. I've let you down. But I will continue on and maybe, one day, we can free her too. 

And here I am, trying to put on a brave front, when all I want to do is continue crying as I have been doing the past week and a half. 

I broke Dave out of his prison on that day, but Dave changed some parts of our plans when we realized we wouldn't be able to save her as well, and I didn't know until it was too late. As we were sneaking out, he stole the code key from me and left it in the lab on purpose. He also stole a gun from gods knows where. 

On that day, we managed to escape undetected due to the overrides I had programmed. When we were far enough away from the lab, we took a break, and I reached into my pocket to retrieve the key. We had been away from the lab for almost twelve hours. When I didn't find the key, I looked around franticly, hoping I had dropped it somewhere nearby. That's when I felt his cold arms around me, holding me from behind, and his mechanically altered voice in my ear. 

"Hal," he said. "Hal, free me." 

I didn't want to understand what he was saying to me. I realized then that he had planned on dying and that he must have stolen the key. Then I felt him press a gun into my hand as he repeated, "Hal, free me." 

I tried to throw the gun away, but I couldn't as he was holding on to my hand with his own, still encased in that cold metal. 

He told me of the pain he was in and of the mental agony he was suffering. It was all stuff I already knew. How could I not, when I had been the one working with him day in and day out for the past two months. He explained to me why he put Katrina's life ahead of his own. He said that he didn't want to be baby-sat and that he couldn't stand it if he had to be taken care of like a two year-old while we wasted money and resources trying to save his "worthless" life when that money could be used to save Katrina in the future. Then he made his final request. 

"Hal, please... grant a dead man his last wish... I would rather die again at your hands than theirs..." 

I couldn't say no to that, even though every cell in my body wanted to say so. The pain in his voice was evident, despite the alteration and I knew he had wanted to salvage what was left of his warrior's pride. If he could have, he would've shot himself. 

I turned around and faced him and nodded as strongly as I could while my insides burned from my betrayal -- my betrayal to him... and to myself. I think he knew that too, because he held my hand even harder, as if he could channel his will into my soul. And then he let go. 

I think he saw some of my pain in my eyes. 

"Hal... I... I know I'm being selfish..." 

"Yes, you are!!" I shouted back at him as I started to cry, my tears freezing on their way to the ground. 

We stood there in silence for what seemed like an eternity, the snow falling around us like the first day we met, but it was only a few seconds. As much as anger flowed through me at that moment, I couldn't help but also feel the love I had for him, and I wanted to stay there like that, just the two of us, and the snow, for all time. But the soft beeping of the suit's warning system punched me hard, and brought me back to the reality of it all: Dave had 10 minutes left to live. 

"Hal, I'm not the best person with words, and I don't know what to say, but you should know me by now. You should know why you have to do this." 

"Yes, I know. But that doesn't make it hurt less, and it doesn't mean that I have to accept it." 

"You know what will happen to me if I continue on like this. You said so yourself, and you saw it through Frank. No matter how much you love me, no matter how much you do, how many contraptions you build, how many drugs you give me, I'll never be human again. I can never **live**_ again. If you love me, you'd understand and help me die while I still have _**some**_ dignity left. _

"Please, Hal, do this for me, and be satisfied that you've done all that you could for me. Give me the peace that I've longed for since the day I was created..." 

I looked up at him. He was right. And I didn't want him to suffer anymore. 

"I... I understand." 

He took a step towards me, put his hands on my shoulder, and gave me a quick pat, as though we were on another mission, and this was just another thing that had to be done. Maybe it was his way of drowning out his pain. 

"Good." 

He stepped back and I knew what had to be done. 

"Free me." 

I obliged. I removed his exoskeleton in a sick parody of foreplay. It wasn't that I wanted to remove it slowly, but the contraption being as complex as it was, I had no choice. It left me with too much time and too much space for thinking as he quietly and helplessly stood before me, waiting. 

When I finally got the front half off, I laid him down on the snow covered ground. 

Dave looked up at me then. 

"Free me." 

It was as though those were the only words he could say anymore. I nodded. 

I took careful aim and looked him in the eyes one last time. His whole face, not just his eyes, had a look of peace already as he gently urged me on. I closed my eyes. I didn't want him to read my pain again. 

And I pulled the trigger. 

In the earsplitting shot, I couldn't hear if he cried out in pain or not, but I don't think he did because he's brave like that. When my hearing returned, I heard him asking me to look at him. I opened my eyes and tried to stop crying so I could see him one last time. That's when I saw it. 

I had missed his heart. And I had hit his neck instead. The bullet had gone straight through the scar. 

  


  


I wanted to die. 

  


  


I collapsed onto my knees and tried to point the gun at myself, but his voice stopped me. 

"Don't." 

One simple word. 

"Hal. Live. You have to live, to pass on our thoughts, our works. You can't let the Patriots win. You promised me." 

"I..." 

He looked back at me with a pained expression on his face, but conviction in his eyes. 

"You... promised... me..." 

And then, he left me... again. 

I cried for hours after that, as I collected wood and built the bed that his body would lie in for its first and only time. As he lay there on that bed, naked of that metal shell, he looked beautiful, and I could almost believe that he was just simply my Dave, the man I love, sleeping quietly for the first time in his life, dreaming of peace instead of his usual nightmares. But he was right, and I knew. His soul would never be at peace as long as his body existed. The Patriots brought his body back to life once, and they can do it again. I slowly took Dave's favorite lighter out of my pocket as I said my last good-bye, and kissed him on the lips. The coldness of his lips killed me, and I wished I could do something to make them warm again. I turned the lighter around in my hand and opened the lid. I took one last kiss from him, and lit the starter wood on fire. 

In the beginning, I had to tend to the fire because the wood was damp. As I did, I prayed. For the first time in my life, I prayed. I prayed to Yahweh, Buddha, Christ - I prayed to any god who was willing to listen. I prayed that Dave would be granted peace. I prayed that he would be happy, wherever he is now. I prayed that he would forgive me. I prayed and prayed while tears ran down my face and my heart bled, and after a while, the fire broke the wood and engulfed my Dave in itself as its smoke stung my eyes and its heat dried the tears that continue to flow. 

  


  


  


  


  


Notes: 

-Ok, so a good portion of this chapter sounds like it was ripped right from MGS1, and I admit I have no creativity. Bah. So with that being said, I guess I was trying to further my plot in the direction I wanted it to go, and for that to happen, I had to do something so terrible to Snake that it was irreversable. Ultimately, it had to be a situation that Otacon couldn't get out of, or fix so that he was left with only one choice. *sigh* At least I admit it, right? 

-This really is the climax of the story... which is as we all know, the prelude to the denouement, though there is one more small turning point that will determine the final outcome of the story. Heh, heh. >:D 

-Hmmmm... just why is the DVD for Snake's last mission missing...? 

-I always manage to shove some sort of preaching about some sort of controversial topic in my fics, huh? -_-;; And I really didn't mean to this time!! I swear! *sigh* 

The one about how the scientists didn't "need" to hear their "subject's" voice oddly enough reminds me of arguements the pro-life camp uses a lot against pro-choicers. I won't get into that one cause it'll just cause a whole lot of arguing, but I will say that I do have a complex stance on the whole thing which would take a few pages to write. If you're that interested, feel free to ask. 

_No matter how much you love me, no matter how much you do, how many contraptions you build, how many drugs you give me, I'll never be human again. I can never _**live**_ again. If you love me, you'd understand and help me die while I still have _**some**_ dignity left._

The second issue is about terminally ill patients or patients who have a living will. I'll say right now that I've never had the experience of having to make a choice like that, and to end a loved one's life is something people suffer a lot for. In my opinion, and if I come off sounding harsh, please forgive me, I've always believed that what is good for the patient is best. I mean, it's selfish for the patient to say they want to die, but it's equally as selfish for a relative to force a dying person to live. And in my opinion, it's almost cruel. If I were dying, or had a living will, I would want people to respect me and let me die when I say so, because in the end, we all say the final farewell and pass on. Why drag it out and cause the patient more pain than necessary? Life is cruel enough. Death shouldn't be so. However, I do understand that those who are left behind suffer a great deal because death is something that hurts, irregardless of the circumstances. 

-Genetic therapy using Snake's genes. I think the Patriots would choose to use Solid Snake's genes, even though he had all the recessive soldier genes, just simply because he turned out the most stable of all the Big Boss clones. I think he also proved that while genes matter, training and frame of mind are also powerful things. Also, the last thing the Patriots need is another renegade killer running around. If anything, they would probably hope that Katrina will turn out well balanced and stable, much like Solid Snake. 

-The bit about Otacon's sister dying... well, it /was/ the truth... just the wrong year... -_-;; 

-Snake always hated baby-sitting. I just supposed he would hate to be baby-sat as well. Sort of a macho thing, but in this case, also practical since Otacon really needs that extra money to save Katrina now... 

-Snake says, "...since the day I was _created_." Yes, he's rather blunt and accepts that he wasn't born, but created. I think Snake accepts the terms of his life rather well *achemfoxdieachem* and just deals with them rather than getting angsty and emotional about it all. But then, that's what makes Snake, well, Snake. (>.>);; 

-Otacon missed because he didn't think about the gun's recoil. That's how the twist of fate happened and he shot Snake in the neck... and I'm sure you can understand why Otacon wanted to die as he had just recreated history by his own hands... and also subconsciously saw Wolf's death in Snake's second death... (It just gets more and more twisted, doesn't it? Do I seem like some sort of cruel sadist towards poor Otacon??... -_-;; ) 

-I know it usually takes forever to collect all the wood you'd need to cremate someone, but work with me here... -_-;; 

  


  


  


  


  


Snake: I can't believe you killed me twice!  
akai: ^_^;;  
Snake: And my poor Otacon! Do you have any idea how much mental agony you put him through?  
akai: Oh, I know, my dear supersoldier... I know... >:D  
Snake: Sick psychopath.  
akai: Oh, yes... I know...... 


	4. Memories of Hal

Snake: … *is speechless from being peeved*  
akai: ^^;; Stop looking at me like that… please?... 

I'm sorry everyone, that this took so long. I had really intended to get these two chapters out sooner, but I've been caught up in life. These two chapters go especially well together, so I figured I should release them at the same time. The real reason, though is that I had a really bad time writing chapter 4, as it was being bad and resisted completion. But it's finally done! 

Snake: Get on with it. No one wants to hear your excuses. 

akai: hai... -_-;; 

_Shounenainotenshi  
This is the best MG fic I have ever read, PWP excluded. I began reading it at, of course, Metal Gear Slash (the best website ever! ^-^).Anyway, it's so sad, just as I imagined SXO to be. I hope you update soon (3-4 months soon), lol. _

Can I multiply that 3-4 months by 3?... ^^;; Sorry this fic's been on hold for so long. Hope it was worth the wait! 

And while I agree that MGSlash is the best, I could hardly say that for my own fic... ^^;; But I'm glad you think it's good ^_^ 

_Valentine Angel  
... Chapter 3 is wonderful. But after all the time you spent on it, I wasn't expecting anything less ;) _

It's awfully sad. And I don't think you need to justify the events of the chapter at all in your notes. Snake's body would be a pretty big prize for the Patriots... 

... it's marvellous. Yes. I have 15 days until I can officially go to your house and NAG outside your door, so you better start typing now. >D Need more...! 

Haha, your nagging paid off, as you got to beta-read, too bad I was so slow at fixing the stuff that needed fixing :( Thanks for all your support on this fic ^_^ *huggle* 

_CiyFox  
This was soo good i acttualy started to cry, the pain that Hal, poor Hal had to go thorugh...and Dave, he finaly got his peace... _

You are a realy fantastic writer. I hope that you wright more... 

Thank you for writting this really touching story. 

*blush* Thanks. I will write more, actually. There is a sequel planned. I hope you'll find it as good as this fic. --- singing my own praises now... -_-;; 

It was a sad scene to write... I admit I did cry when I first planned it out in my head... 

_Dillon  
Ouch, man. Ouch, ouch, ouch. But very well written. Obviously took you a lot of time and though, and it's very worth it. _

Looking forward to chapter 4. 

Dillon 

Thanks for your complement. I hope you find chapters 4 and 5 to be a suitable conclusion... 

_Scarbie (chapter 2)  
What?! How the heck did I miss this chapter?! _

Damn, this chapter was so depressing. But very good. I liked the fact that Snake risked all to save Olga's child and not stop some random Metal Gear. 

In response to your notes, I don't think that the boys sound too sappy. And you're not alone in being confused about that whole FoxDie thing. I'm like, does he have it or not. I'm positive that he was a 'carrier boy' but is this crap going to be the death of him? I don't know. It'll be bogus if it is. 

Scarbie (chapter 3)   
This chapter was really something else (and I thought the last chapter was depressing). So much pain. I'm glad that Snake is finally free. It's truly terrible that Hal had to lose him /twice/. It was touching (and I think completely in character) that despite the horrible things happening to him, Snake kept the child's safety as his number 1 priority. 

I swear, with all the drama Hal and Dave have gone through for this child, she better not grow up to be a crackhead (or anything else bad). 

"Do I seem like some sort of cruel sadist towards poor Otacon??" 

Yes. Yes, you do. But I like ya anyway. 

Great chapter and I'm looking forward to chapter 4. 

O~i! Scarbie! Where'd ya go? I hope you'll be back someday... But in response to your comments, I'm glad you didn't think they were too sappy. I was trying to stay in character, and it would've sucked if I screwed it up on one little thing... :( And too bad MGS3 isn't going to be resolving that FoxDie issue... boo :P 

Haha, as for Olga's kid, that's an issue for the sequel ^_^ You'll get to see how she turns out... 

Hope you enjoy chapters 4 and 5~! ^_^ 

_Holylance   
Sick, Marginal, Suspense, bisexuality, this Fic is the Best!. What MGS4 Could be!. _

Wow O.O really? That's a really high complement you're giving me there... Thanks~ =^.^= I just hope there is a MGS4... there's too many loose ends to tie up, and too many more Snake/Otacon scenes to be had ^_~ 

_kimlore  
This chapter was short compare to the rest. _

But it made a bigger impact. 

How could you do this to them? 

Tell me this well have a happen ending please. 

I can't wait for the next one. 

True, it was a really short chapter, but yeah, I guess in the end, it's quality over quantity, right? As for how I could do this to them... ^^;; 

I hope the concluding chapters were worth the wait... ^^;; 

_LadyLily1  
LadyLily1: Oh Jothan, how could she do this to us? _

Jothan: What? 

LadyLily: Honestly, you should read the fics I give you. And my poor Otacon! Do you have any idea how much mental agony you put him through? Jothan: Well, I think it was fun. It proves that Otacon has no aiming-skills at all. 

LadyLily: If you should shoot me after you got the chance of talking to me after my death, me, your one and only love, would you... *notices his evil grin* What, you sick... 

Jothan: I just imagine you dead, naked body in a tank, a whole lot of scientists staring at you... 

LadyLily1: That's not what this is about, you sick pervert! Sakura-chan, I'm gonna tell you something, too! Poor Otacon doesn't deserve any of this, I hope you know that! No friendly smile will get you outta this one, girlie!! 

Jothan: I suggest you just calm down. Somehow deep down we're all kinda cruel and sadistic. 

LadyLily1: Er... yeah. *looks at Sakura-chan with big, puppy eyes* Would you do the spell-check for my first Snake/Otacon Slash-Fic, then?? 

Jothan: Now that's... 

LadyLily1: Oh, shut up. 

Haha, sounds like you have a bit of a problem with Jothan, LadyLily ^_^;; ---continues to friendly smile... And sure, I'd love to spell-check your fic. I wonder, though, if I am a little too late -_-;; blast me and my slow update times! 

_Admiring Shadows   
Ah! This is so good!  
*sobs* Snake... _

Admiring Shadows   
I love this story...but it's so sad! 

*sniffle* Snake... 

Gee, thanks for reviewing me twice ^_^ I hope you'll still like this story once you get to the end... ^^;; 

_Shadowstar  
Gee, I'm stupid... I thought I'd reviewed, and I just went back and realized that I haven't! Obviously, I hold your fanfic in the highest regard, or I wouldn't bug you to write it faster... :) This chapter especially draws out tears... were you crying when you wrote it? They always say that to get tears from your writers, you need tears on the keyboard... _

Thanks, I really appreciate the review ^_^ Yes, this chapter was hard to plan out and write. When I write, I tend to see things in my mind, and envision the scenes like a movie first, so I was crying as I was letting the scene play out in my mind. As I was writing, it was also a little tough, but after I got the words down, the editing and tweaking of phrases kind of kept my mind off of how depressing the whole thing was ;_; 

By the by, where've you been? Hiding out? ^_~ 

_FrozenBlueIce  
I've read this story before on Val Angel's site, but since I've now joined the bandwagon and got myself a ff.net account, I thought I'd make it a point to leave a review for her profile. _

4 words for anyone reading these reviews: THIS STORY KICKS BUTT! It's a great idea, and very creative. *sniffles* Poor Otacon... 

I mean seriously, Akai's a great writer. And, might I add, a Snake/Otacon 'shipper! *jumps excitedly, waving* Me too! :D I hope to see the rest of this fic soon. 

Yay, welcome to FF.net! (6 months late... better late than never, right?...) Thanks for the promo ^_^ Hooray for SxO! I hope you enjoy the ending of this fic ^_^ 

So now, I present the concluding chapters, chapters 4 and 5! *Yay! akai does a little cheer* (and stupid FF.net is stripping all my coding for some strange reason... -_-;; sorry about the spacing in these last two chapters) 

Indented, italicized bits are Otacon's entries. 

Requisite disclaimer: By now, if you don't get the point that I don't own MGS or any of its characters, you're in sad need of help… -.-;; 

What do you say to someone when you've just found out that they had to kill their lover...? For the first time in a long time, I don't know what to say. I'm definitely beginning to feel a pressure to finish reading. Maybe I'm just getting nervous over nothing. Maybe Otacon's alright, and he really is getting better. Maybe he really meant everything he said to me this afternoon. I have to stay calm. I have to continue reading. Screw work. Otacon's life may be in danger. 

The Elevator Up to Hell  
akaisakura 

Chapter 4: Memories of Hal 

The next journal, which seems to be the last journal, doesn't begin on January first like all their previous journals, but then again, I don't expect things to be the same from this point on. The entries also seem to be more scattered and less frequent. I just hope his journal entries'll help me understand his current state of mind. Before I call him, I have to understand everything. I can't jump to conclusions... I can't jump to conclusions... 

     _January 17, 2011  
It all keeps on replaying in my mind. I can't move on. All I can see is Dave, lying in front of me, on the ground, waiting for me to put that bullet into him. And then the pained look on his face as he tried to talk to me for the last time in a horrible twisted version of deja vu. But it wasn't deja vu. It had happened before. And that's what's so twisted. It shouldn't have happened before. He shouldn't have had to die twice. I dream of him every night, but every night, the dream ends the same way. And when I wake up, I am slapped by reality. It stings. It stings worse than it ever did. And every day, it gets worse and worse. When I made that promise to him, I thought I could carry on, but now I'm not so sure. I know the Patriots would love it if I would just die and go away, but I promised Dave I would carry on. I can't let the Patriots win this. But... _

January 29, 2011  
You weren't supposed to die. I had never allowed myself to entertain such a possibility... because you were never supposed to die. Aren't legends supposed to live forever?... Aren't they immortal? 

But even if that were true, why do I know that deep down, I had always feared your death anyway?... 

My mind is full of questions, but in the end, it all comes down to one. 

Why? 

Why did you die?... What did it accomplish? 

Why did I screw up again... and make you die?... 

February 9, 2011  
I threw all my mechs in that box today. I can't take it anymore. Even** they**_ are reminding me of Dave. The first time I met him, I had talked about them, and even showed him some of them. And then, as time went on, and he moved in with me, I managed to convince him to help me put one together. He was really good at making them. I guess that's what superior hand-eye coordination does for you. It was definitely lots of fun to watch him as his face reflected such intense concentration. I tried to tell him that it doesn't have to be perfect his first time, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He really was a stubborn fool... but that's what I loved, no, love about him. I think I wrote all this before, but I don't care anymore. I miss him so much. I even miss those little cigarette butts he used to leave lying around. But I know that it's all my fault. No matter what anyone says, I know. Dave would have never left my side that day if I didn't screw up. Just like how I screwed up my sister's life. And how I caused my father to drown himself. And Wolf... Dave was right. Any time, any place... people can fall in love with each other. But... if you love someone, you have to be able to protect them... and I couldn't... four times over... _

I stopped watching anime a while back too. Too many painful memories of how we would banter about the validity of anime as a form of entertainment, and how he would fuss if he had to sit down and watch one with me, even if deep down, he sort of liked it. Now, it's just too lonely without him there next to me. 

And I don't even have any urge to meet anyone new. I don't think I can. Maybe it would be better if I was alone. I'd get less people killed that way. 

May 20, 2011  
I gave Dave's dogs away today. Dave's racing friends were nice enough to just accept them, no questions asked. Some of them asked about Dave and why he missed all the races this year, and I simply answered that he had passed away and left it at that. I just can't keep up with the dogs anymore and I can't race them. Also, I think they were missing their master since they hadn't seen Dave for a whole year now. A year is a long time in dog years. I could see it from the way they wandered restlessly around the kennel, or sleep long hours at a time. I think they know they will never see Dave again. Dogs are good at sensing things like that. They seem to not be reacting to much anymore either. I think they're a little like me in that way. We're a lot alike. I miss him too, and without something to occupy me, all I do is pace around or sit here swinging between sorrow and thoughtfulness, and maybe a little too much self-pity. But I don't dare go to sleep, because every time I do, I'm reminded of every wrong I've committed, ending with the last one that took everyone I love away from me, the one biggest sin of my life: creating REX. If I knew then that my naivete was going to kill so many people, I would have gladly turned down the job offer and created Philanthropy long ago. 

The kennel is too bare now. Empty and lonely. Like my soul. 

The next entries all look very contemplative. It looks like Otacon just poured everything he had out onto those pages. I don't know if I should read them all... I flip to a later date. Tearstains dot this page. I can feel the pain tearing at my heart as I realize which day this entry is for. I'm surprised that Otacon found the strength to even write this one word... 

     _November 21, 2011  
Anniversary. _

December 21, 2011  
Why do I continue to write? I wondered about this today as I remembered Dave with a little ceremony of my own. Why do I continue to write in a journal when I never used to do it? Maybe it's become a force of habit, or maybe it's something to pass the time. I keep writing, wondering if one day, I'll wake up and find writing on the next page in Dave's neat handwriting. Or maybe, this is my way of keeping Dave alive. I can imagine what he would say back to me, what he would write back if he read what I had to say. And even though I know he would say, "Get a grip!", "Move on!", and "Be strong!", I can't bring myself to do any of those things. What am I supposed to do?... 

Dave would always say that keeping journals is a dangerous thing, especially for people like us. I wonder if our journals had ever been released to the general public, what would have happened. Would the Patriots have used them against us? No doubt they would have, but how? Would they have tried to turn various groups against us, like the religious Right, by saying that Philanthropy doesn't deserve the support it was getting because of the questionable morals of its leaders? Or would the Right have been too busy to even care because they are too worried about saving the lives of unborn babies who, once they are born, will be forced to live in a hell worse than death -- with the fear looming over their heads that their world will be brought to its final end, not by their God, but by their own hands?... 

And it's all my fault. And maybe all this is right. Maybe I don't even deserve the support I **do**_ have. Maybe this is the greatest penance for my sin. I suppose it's only fitting that everyone I've ever loved have been taken away from me by my own blood-stained hands... just as I have taken the lives of countless other people from their own loved ones... How many more people's lives will be taken by me... by my creation?... _

April 6, 2012  
Leaving Alaska is the hardest choice I have ever had to make, but I left. I had to. I realized that as long as I stayed in Alaska, I would never be able to do what I promised. Dave's house is still there. I couldn't bring myself to burn it. It's one of the few things left that shows he existed. I want the world to know he was a real, living man, no matter how much the Patriots try to tarnish our names and erase us from their version of history, he existed. And that house was something he built from scratch with his own two hands. Those hands that worked so hard to ensure life for all... the many times he had to put his life on the line to destroy Metal Gear... How many lives did he save through his actions? How many lives did I take for every life he saved?... 

I need to search out a place to stay now, but after that, the next most important thing is to start training people and spreading the movement. I don't know where I will find those people, but I have to try. I must... to make up for all the deaths I have brought. 

Otacon seems obsessed with this idea of death, and how he is the one who brought it all. It's starting to freak me out. I mean, guilt is one thing, but this is taking it a little too far. Unless he realizes that he's not to blame for everything, I... I'm beginning to doubt his real intentions. Somehow, I don' t think he gave me everything to get a fresh start on life... I just hope that he has gotten better through his interactions with other people. After all, this is an entry from two years ago. What about all those people he trained? I continue to read. 

     _May 17, 2012  
I've been able to contact a very dedicated group and I've collect a few more people to fill out the gaps in specialties. We've established a base of sorts in the continental U.S. I'm not going to risk it by saying where, but suffice it to say that we're highly mobile, so if the need should arise, we can relocate very quickly. Our code names are rather interesting, I think, though if it were left up to me, I would never have used this system. Call it a thing against God and the Fates. _

We'll begin compiling all our data soon, and see where it takes us. I'll wait to see if this group of people is trustworthy and then bring up Katrina, although if they have all been following our work, they should already know about her. 

We're on our way, Dave. I hope this group can continue where we left off. 

July 26, 2012  
We spotted another Metal Gear today. Plans are under way to see if we can sabotage it without having to send someone in. The group's been really great, and we work together very well. I think I got lucky and I'm glad they seem to be a very trustworthy group of people. 

As I said, we have some rather strange code names, but I don't think it would be wise of me to use their real code names, even here in my own diary. I guess it couldn't hurt to introduce a few of them, though. I think I'll use an alternate set of codenames, just in case. I don't know, I guess I just want to get it down, and hope that maybe you're up there, reading this. 

One of the guys, who I'll call "Alpha", is really dedicated. It was he who first approached me when I put out a call through the usual channels. I was suspicious of him at first because he was so adamant about working with me. But I let him in because he had a core team with him. I guess I was pretty stupid taking such a huge risk, but thankfully, things have worked out well enough that it was worth it. Alpha had a team of six with him, so plus me, we had a group of eight to start with. I found a few more people to round off the things we needed specialists in, so now we have thirteen members. 

"Chi" has a real strange habit of cursing too much. I wonder sometimes if he is the same person I interviewed, since at the interview, he was so polite and proper. Ha, ha. I guess I'm not always the best at judging people. He seems to be pretty trustworthy so far, though. 

"Beta" is a bit quiet, but sincere, and a great AI programmer. She's providing me a lot of great insight into AI programming and has improved my VR system by 10 folds. 

"Theta" is even more paranoid than I am, if that's possible. You'd have a field day trying to stop him from being so. But he's an expert in security, so, what do you expect? 

Shoot. I'm going to have to finish this entry later. "Mu" is calling me to help him with some financial something-or-another. I never thought that I would ever have to deal with accounting, but then, life's good at throwing wrenches in things, isn't it? 

August 6, 2012  
On the anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, it's probably fitting that we successfully sabotaged that Metal Gear I mentioned last time. It's a relief to know that there's one less Metal Gear in the world. 

Life is getting better. It's been nice to feel like there's some hope again. 

Dave, if you're reading this, I hope you're happy, too. Life was too cruel to you while you were alive. I can only hope that when we meet again, you'll have created happier experiences to share with me. 

August 24, 2012  
Let's see... I think I promised that I'd finish introducing everyone, so here goes. As I said, "Mu" is the accountant around here, and he does a really good job balancing our extremely tight budget. Money hasn't been easy to come by, but we've got our ways. I think everyone's lost weight from our severe food rationing. I hope things will get better once we become more established. I remember when we first started out, we had a rough time with money, too. 

Then there's "Delta" and "Psi". The two of them are the brawn of the group. I was kind of hoping for more people with field experience, but I should be lucky to even have found these two. They're great guys, and one of them even has a son. A real cute kid, if you could call him that. The kid's really serious all the time though. I think his father really wants him to stay "safe" so he's been encouraging "Omega" to study as much math and science as possible. Oddly, though, I think the kid's got more of an interest in history... could be useful one day though, I think. 

We've got two people on the medical/research staff, "Rho" and "Sigma", and of course, there are the two hackers, "Kappa" and "Lambda", and finally, our PR person and mission support, "Nu". Sadly, though, "Nu" has a temper about as big as yours, so we've sort of given the PR job to "Mu"... Can't be helped, I guess. 

And that's everyone. Kind of a large group, aren't we? I guess you can see why we're strained in the financial department. I had originally started out with just "Alpha's" group, but eventually, I figured I needed to get some more help, especially since "Alpha's" group didn't have any medical personnel working with them. And a little more brawn never hurt anyone. 

Ah, break time is over. I've gotta get back to that file I was searching through. You wouldn't believe the stuff we hit yesterday. Downloaded it all already, so now comes the tedious job of wading through all the useless text to the real information. *sigh* Until later, then. 

September 11, 2012  
It's been a little over 10 years since the Twin Towers fell in New York, but it seems like centuries ago. The media today barely mentioned that day and people are already forgetting "The Day That Changed The World". How quick we are to forget things that don't affect us in our daily lives. Ever since the Patriots started downplaying terrorism, people have slowly forgotten, and become apathetic. And while suicide bombings still occur in other countries, people don't feel anything anymore because nothing that the public is aware of has happened on American soil. The Tanker Incident, Big Shell - all of it was so cleverly hidden. Even your death is only known to the few devoted. The rest of the public are still taking your life for granted, that the "Legend" will save them from anything that would harm them. Even the meaning of 9/11 has been lost, cheapened by the numerous propaganda bits it was used for back in the 2004 elections when Solidus won the re-election. I look back on that time and all of it disgusts me now. How could I have been so buried in myself to have ignored everything happening around me, in my own country? I can't believe that I didn't see that the "missile defense system", the new "Star Wars Program" the government wanted to create was just as you said, a walking deathmobile. 

But like I said, I'm through regretting the past. I want to live for the future. That's why I'm doing all this, right? I hope I'm doing the right thing, for a change, because that's all I have left -- hope. 

September 26, 2012  
I've been talking with "Rho" recently. He asked me why I was writing so much recently, and I felt that I should talk with someone. Back when Dave was still alive, I used to talk with him a lot, or rather, I used to talk to him. He would just sit there and listen and grunt a few times if he agreed. He never was one to talk much. 

Oops, there I go again. "Rho" has been advising me not to talk about Dave so much, and for me to stop writing as though I were directing my journals to him. He says that normally, he would advise people to do these kinds of things for a short while after the death of a loved one, to get it all out of their system, but he thinks that in my case, I'd just drive myself crazy living in the past. I think he's right in a way, though. As much as I love Dave, I have to move on. If I dwell on him like I dwell on everything else, I'll just be going around and around in the same circle, never able to think outside of that past. That happened to me once already with my father's death, and look where that got me. So I guess I'll have to try harder from now on to move away from that past. It'll be painful, but I think this is for the better. 

October 6, 2012  
I don't know what's wrong with me recently. I really don't like smoke or smoking, and yet... I guess I just wanted to smell a familiar scent so I went out today and bought a pack of Dave's favorite cigarettes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not actually smoking them. All I do is light them and then leave them to burn themselves out. Kind of like incense. I just... When I was surrounded by that scent again, it was like I could forget everything, and just... But it only lasted for a second, because as soon as that second was over, I knew it was only an illusion and the pain returned, stronger than before. Dave's gone, and I'll never feel his arms around me again as he gives me a morning hug, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. 

Am I doing this to make myself feel better or just to punish myself some more? But maybe I need this punishment... for all the things I've done. 

November 21, 2012  
Anniversary. 

February 28, 2013  
I'm sorry. I screwed up... again... 

March 20, 2013  
Dave... You are always on my mind now. I remember the times when we would sit outside around this time of year, and quietly watch the sun rise when you couldn't go back to sleep after waking from a nightmare. You would sit there deep in thought while I watched you, feeling a sense of awe at how someone so insignificant like me could know someone so wonderful as you. You should never have suffered so much in your life, yet somehow, I guess we are all fated to suffer certain things. Sometimes, while we sat there, I wished I could take all your pain away, and erase all the terrible things you'd seen in your lifetime. I wished I could hold you and sooth you, but I know you wouldn't have wanted that. When you were thinking, you always did like to think alone. But I wished anyway. I wished for so much...but what good was all that wishing when I could do nothing? And then, I caused you even more pain before you finally found your rest. Fate. Am I chained to my fate forever? Will I do nothing but cause others pain for as long as I live? Dave, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to change our fates. If you see my father or Wolf...or Emma, will you tell them sorry for me too? I know all of you may never forgive me, but I'm sorry, I really am... 

What the hell happened? Something happened to Otacon between the last two entries, I can tell. He sounded better for a while, and now he's gone back to severe depression. A temporary relapse maybe?... And what the heck did Otacon mean when he said he "screwed up again"?... 

     _May 20, 2013  
You used to say to me that the people who knew you the best and could still love you, despite all the wrongs you've committed, were among the most special in the world. Then you would say, "I let the Legend be a legend. The people I show my real self to -- now, ****_those_ are the people who are special to me." Do you remember, Dave, how one time, we wondered if it was ok for us to keep journals? It's a luxury we shouldn't indulge in because of all the things that could go wrong if they fell into the wrong hands. But you insisted that life was dangerous anyway, and more than that, you wanted to know more about me and how I think. I think, inside, you were a romantic as well, secretly wanting to track our life together, so that one day, you could look back and read everything... and remember. And that's what I do now. Strange, isn't it? Every time I read your words next to mine, I remember all those days in all their details -- all the happiness, all the sadness, all the anger, and all the pleasure. It's all here in my mind. Sometimes, when I read your words, it's like you're right here with me, and I can let myself become lost in the sea of words and memories. But I have to stop this. I've started crying again recently. I can't do this. I can't keep on doing this. I have to keep myself together to keep moving forward. That's what you would want anyway, right? I know you would want that. And I can't let you down any more than I already have... _

I can't run away again, like I did... that time... There isn't a place on the face of this Earth that could hide me from my sins... 

June 7, 2013  
It's been a while since I last read one of our more intimate entries. I just haven't had the will to bring up memories of you at your liveliest. How alive you were when we made love. Every time, you were so full of energy, and caring. After you found out about Julie, you treated me so gently, as though you were afraid of breaking me. And sometimes, I'd like that. But there were those other days when I would chide you for being too gentle and we would just do it like animals full of sheer, raw energy. You were so seductive, like a siren, singing to my heart and ensnaring me in our bed sheets. 

Sometimes, you would be so lost in our love making that you'd slip into another language and mumble things to me. I'd never know what you were saying, but at least I could always figure out which language it was that you were whispering to me in. I'd always ask you the next morning for a translation, and you'd always say with a shrug and a smile, "Use that brain of yours and figure it out yourself," which was your way of saying, "Heck if I remember." But I know you always meant what you said, even if I didn't understand what you had said then. 

And then, slowly over the years, I came to understand all the things you were saying to me. "I love you too, Dave," I would reply. "Yes, you are incredibly sexy, and yes, I am alright with all of it." I am still alright with all that we did. Among all the things you said to me and asked of me, you always asked me if I was alright. Sometimes, you meant in a physical, of the moment sort of way, but sometimes, I could see in your eyes a concern for my mind and heart. And I thank you for that... 

November 21, 2013  
Anniversary. 

Winter. Snow. The eternal darkness. How I despise winter now. It's the time of year when everything important to us happened. I first met you at Shadow Moses in winter. I proclaimed my love in winter...and you were taken from me in the dead of winter. And that's when all of hell began to swallow my shredded heart. But for your sake, I will carry on. I promised that much to you, didn't I?... 

Alaska? Did he move back to Alaska?... But why? And wasn't it around this time, or was it around September, that he disappeared for good? There's something here I'm not understanding... 

     _January 9, 2014  
I have given up on Katrina. It seems that she's destined to live out the life of a soldier. I had one of Alpha's group check up on her again, and it seems that she's become accustomed to it and thinks that her unit is her family. I hacked into her charts and they pretty much confirm this. I know Olga wanted to spare her the life of a soldier, but I think at this point, Katrina would be severely psychologically damaged if I were to remove her from her environment. If only I had gotten to her sooner. But I can't do anything right, so what's the point?... _

March 15, 2014  
Moving again. I really shouldn't take everything with me, but I don't have much of a choice, do I? Ever since I left Alpha's group, I've been running all over, trying to avoid the Patriots. If I had stayed with them, the Patriots could have wiped them out as well. I've been training people here and there along the way, though, so I guess all this traveling is good for something. I can't keep this up forever, though, Dave. You know that, don't you? I can feel it. I'm exhausting myself. I'm getting old, Dave. I can't deny that. I may not be 50 yet, but the stress, no, this **life**_ is slowly killing me. The Patriots are just waiting for me to crack, I can feel it._

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels a lot like when my battle instincts take over and tell me that something bad is right around the corner, and that I had better check my weapon over again or face certain death. It had better just be indigestion from last night's dinner. 

I look at my watch. Four forty-four AM. Have I been reading that long? It doesn't feel like it. But I don't care. I don't have to leave for work for another four hours. I'm very close to finishing Otacon's final journal. Afterwards, I should have enough time to give Otacon a call to check up on him. He had better be ok. This can't be happening. I look up from the journal to stretch my tired eye muscles. 

And the light of dawn is filtering into the room. 

Notes: 

- I think you, the reader, noticed that Otacon switches between regular journal entries and "letters to Dave" so to speak, and sometimes, even jumbles the two of them together. It's something that gets worse and worse with time, in a sort of reflection of Otacon's state of mind... 

- The new group Otacon works with is important. *end of hint* 

But seriously, the names in Otacon's journal are codenames of codenames... I guess he's just being extra careful ^_^;; The codenames are all letters of the Greek alphabet and, quite possibly, only make any sort of logical sense to me. ^_^;; But I'm willing to give a cookie to anyone who can guess the correct reference for at least 1 of the names... 

- Yeah, I ran away with my 9/11 blurb. I even sort of managed to twist it to "fit" the MGS world. I'm not that cynical of people to think that 9/11 would be forgotten that quickly, but the general public is known to forget things that don't affect them directly... 

- As much as people make Snake out to be a total idiot (myself included at times...), one has to remember that Snake is incredibly intelligent and is fluent in 6 languages. Damn. Wish I could be fluent in 6 languages. I'm having problems with fluency in 3 languages as is -_-;; Being an Chinese-American living in Japan sucks at times :P 

I imagine that Snake would be very good at choosing the most romantic-sounding language for the particular moment and turn of words ^_~ 

- In Alaska, depending on where you are, you could literally go for the entire winter without seeing the sun rise at all, which is basically the eternal darkness reference. We're not told exactly where they swiped Snake from in MGS1, so I'm using the phrase, "eternal darkness" in a metaphorical sense to refer to Alaska in Otacon's entry. By this point in the story, though, poor Otacon's memory is already being blurred by the extreme trauma he's suffered that some details may not be correct anyway (ex. When the two of them started their relationship, it wasn't technically winter... more like late autumn.) 

- Just why did Otacon leave Alpha's group?? I know there's been a few of these questions I've left open-ended. They will be answered in due time. Some of the answers will be in the sequel, so look for the answers then ^_~ 


	5. Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday

Indented bits are Otacon's entries. *blah blah blah* are sound effects. 

Requisite disclaimer: See previous chapters :P Yes, I'm getting _that_ lazy… 

I hate phones. The phone on the end table is ringing as I'm conveniently ignoring it to read the last few pages of Otacon's final journal. I have a really bad feeling about this phone call. 

The Elevator Up to Hell  
akaisakura 

Chapter 5: Can't Say Good Bye to Yesterday 

The ringing is driving me insane as it seems the person is using the ever annoying tactic of letting the phone ring 3 times before hanging up and redialing. I glance over at the caller ID. Unavailable. Of course. Why would anyone ever list their name and phone number? I continue to ignore it in the hopes that Rose will pick it up, but it seems that today she can't be bothered to roll over the extra 3 feet across the bed upstairs to answer it. Curse her and her revenge schemes. I finally turn around and grudgingly pick up the phone. 

"Hello?" 

"Jack. It's been a while, hasn't it?" It's Campbell. I'm getting shivers down my spine. 

"Yes, it's been a while. Let's just cut to the chase here, shall we? What's going on, Campbell?" I'm only half paying attention to him at this point. I hate to do this to the man, but Otacon's journal is more pressing. I flip the page and as I begin to read the last entry, Campbell speaks up again. 

"It's about Dr. Emmerich. I'm afraid that I have some bad news..." I can't quite hear the rest of his sentence, or maybe it's just that I don't want to, as I read the final entry to myself... 

     _August 14, 2014  
I know I lost it all those years ago when you died. If anyone were to have seen all the things I've had to go through, I think they'd understand what I'm about to do. I can't take another winter without you, Dave. Winter brings back too many painful memories. You always were aligned with winter, but your heart was so warm. Winter... No... I will end it soon. _

I will go to Jack's house tomorrow, one last visit, and leave everything I have left with him. Of course I will act like it's nothing too serious, but we know the truth. The only way for me to move on now is death. I want nothing more than to join you. I've wanted to for a while now, but I've never had the guts to. I'm sorry, Dave. Please forgive me. I couldn't fulfill your last request. I can't carry on anymore. I tried. I really did. But I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of it all. I can't keep on running like this. They will catch up to me one day, and I would rather die than be used for their purposes. I've trained enough people, and I think there's more than enough talent among all our supporters that I can offer no more. Please, don't think of it as the Patriots winning, but rather that I am simply passing on after my time is up. After all, while our large branch of Philanthropy has been shut down for years now, new, smaller branches have sprung up to take its place and have continued where we left off...like a growing sapling...... 

I don't think I'll worry Jack with what happened between us that day. The lab, the escape... He doesn't need to know that you died at my hands. That's something that can stay between us, right? It's the only thing left that I can call "ours," and those precious last moments with you... I... 

I love you, Dave. Wait for me. I'm coming to join you soon. 

************************ 

The scene is somber, to put it lightly. Campbell got me clearance to enter Otacon's hotel room since the military decided to run this op for "security reasons," and as I step in, I can see that at least the MP did a good job of disturbing nothing when they took their pictures and carried out their investigations. Other than the giant yellow tape that says, "Do Not Cross," everything seems to be untouched. I was told that Otacon had killed himself with an overdose drugs, though they don't know exactly which ones, since the lab results haven't come in yet. Best they could figure was sleeping pills, some percocet, and maybe some morphine mixed in there. And the only reason they had found out he had died was because Otacon had asked for a wake-up call from the hotel's front desk, and had insisted that they made sure he was woken up. Needless to say, the lady that came to wake him up, after numerous failed phone calls, quickly figured out he wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon, and called the cops. That was at 4:44 this morning. 

I make my way to the bed where Otacon's cold body lies. As I do, I pass his complicated setup of wires and monitors. On one of the monitors, an audio file player is open, but stopped. I guess he was listening to something last night... I continue walking, looking at the floor to make sure I don't trip on one of the millions of colored wires that run along the floor, twisting and turning in so many ways, like multi-colored snakes at the bottom of an aquarium in a pet store. On the nightstand next to his bed is what Otacon called his incense - a small collection of neatly arranged burnt out cigarettes on a beautiful glass ashtray, and Snake's favorite lighter - the same one that he used that day on Big Shell. I finally reach Otacon's lifeless form, and as I look down, I can see that he is finally at some sort of peace. His eyes are closed, his face is relaxed, and his arms are folded across his chest as though he's already in a coffin, waiting to be buried. Cradled to his chest is the missing DVD's case. I gently lift the case out of his grasp and open the lid. The DVD is missing, but there's a note inside. 

**'Burn it'**

I turn the note over, but there's nothing else. 

************************* 

Things are being sped up for Otacon. I guess Campbell managed to pull some strings. We got Otacon's lab reports back, and there wasn't a need to do an autopsy. I had a chance to get some things arranged and we've set up Otacon's coffin here in my house for a make-shift wake. We've also contacted Julie, and she's coming tomorrow to see her son before he's cremated. 

I brought Otacon's box down here earlier, along with my laptop. I should've known that Otacon would be sentimental and keep that missing DVD with him, because I did find the disk. It was sitting in the drive of his computer. Don't ask me how I snuck it out, because you probably don't want to know. 

I put the missing DVD into my laptop and let Otacon's encryption program verify my old username and password from when I worked with Philanthropy. The drive makes a soft whirling sound as it grants me access to the files, and the computer brings up a list of all the files on the disk. I pick the first one and sit down for a long session. 

A few hours later, I'm still sitting here listening, when suddenly, I hear the dialogue Otacon talked about in his journal. 

_"That should be it. Just watch out for the mines in this area."_  
*pause*  
_"Um..."  
"Spit it out."  
"…I love you…please, come back to me in one piece…"  
"…"  
"Snake?"  
"I don't have time for this. We'll talk about this when I get back."  
"Alright… be careful, Snake."_

I know I should stop the DVD now, but I want to hear more, so I let it continue. 

_"Damn!"  
"What's wrong?"  
"I've been spotted!"_  
*gunfire, heavy breathing and loud running footsteps are heard*  
_"Ugh…"  
"Snake!"_  
*more gunfire, and then…*  
_"Aaagh!"_  
*thud*  
_"Snake! Are you alright?...Snake?!"  
"...I've been shot...in the neck..."  
"No..."  
"..."  
"No!...Dave!! You'll be alright..."  
"Hal! Listen...I don't have much time left..."  
"Dave..."  
"I... I love you too, Hal... and I'll continue to..."_  
*light sniffling*  
_"... Hal... I... _

I can't listen to it anymore. To hear Snake in his final moments as a living man and to have heard such a private, intimate declaration meant only for the two lovers tells me that whatever is about to be said should be something left to the two of them alone. I take the DVD out of the drive and place it back in its case, then gently place it on top of the journals. 

Now I understand everything. Now I know why Otacon entrusted me with the box, the journals, the DVDs. He wanted to keep the legend of Snake alive, but he wanted his private life with Snake to remain private. If he had kept that box with him, they would have found out everything. Like he said, he wanted someplace to store some memories of his, and to make sure that those things that were precious to the two of them would remain theirs, even after their deaths. 

Tonight, I will stand watch by his coffin. Tomorrow, I will finish taking care of the cremation arrangements, and the day after... I will carry out Otacon's last wish... 

************************ 

Otacon knew he would come back for the box, one way or another. I just wish that he could've told me that he wanted me to send it after him. 

With my arm around her waist, I watch the box burn in the fire, the reds and oranges blending and bleeding into each other as they take away all that is left of two great legends. The wood crackling in the night air sound like bullets, each one aimed straight at my heart, blaming me for not doing what I should have; killing me for my most fatal mistake as one thought repeats itself in my mind: 

To someone who had lost everyone in his life, and the weight of too much wrongly placed guilt, death is the only way to move on. 

I should have known. Damn, I should have known. 

_

That's when he told me one last time that he loved me, and that he would always love me. But he also told me to be strong, to move on after he was gone, and most importantly, to live. He apologized and said that I was right, that he should have listened to me, and that he was glad that he had someone who cared so much. Then he wished he could see me one last time, and faded into unconsciousness.

_

Notes: 

-Most of the entries I wrote do serve a purpose, and I hope they don't seem too repetitive. The biggest problem I encountered half way though was that a lot of the entries sounded like Otacon was just whining and being overly "girly". While he is a bit more emotional than most men I know, I started making him a stereotypical girl in a sense, and that's not what I wanted. Sorry that it took so long to get around that block -_-;; 

-The other thing with Otacon being whiny has to deal with my interpretation of his base character. I think if Snake never showed up in his life, he wouldn't have been the stronger person that he was in MGS2. I base this on the fact that it was Snake who made Otacon think about his life, and through the course of MGS1, you see Otacon grow a spine. Up until the point Wolf is killed before his eyes, Otacon probably never thought about or dealt with a person's death. When his father killed himself, as a way to get rid of his guilt, he ran away. But instead of dealing with it, I think he drowned himself in school, then his work and research. He also never had the will to move on and he probably still blamed himself for his father's death, a fact that you see in MGS2 when he talks about it's his fault that his father drowned himself. I think Snake is Otacon's strength. In the same way a strong, happy person can bring a depressed person up, Snake's resolve and determination to keep on living and fighting probably rubbed off on Otacon, and allowed him to change. Take that away, and I think Otacon reverted back to his "base" nature. 

- 4:44. Four hours until Raiden goes to work. Why the four 4s in chapter 4? It's my own little brand of foreshadowing. In Japanese, as well as Chinese, the number 4 is pronounced "shi", which is the same as the word for "death". Thus, I was saying that Otacon had died at that precise time figuratively and literally. The four 4s were also to emphasize "death" again by using FOUR 4s. Creepy, huh ^_^;; 

(looks over fic again) 

O.O;; 

I just realized that there's more references to 4 in this fic than I thought... the four years since Snake's death, Otacon dying on August (4 x 2) 14, 2014... was soooo not planned........... I'm beginning to scare myself................. 

I suppose if you're really gung-ho, you can figure out the latitude Raiden lives at from the date of the final entry and the time of sunrise at the time of the year... but even I didn't go that far to figure this fact out......... ^^;; 

- Remember waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in chapter 1 how Raiden said that he was let off the hook way too easily, and that Rose would scheme up something to get back at Raiden with?... 

- I hope the transcript of the final mission wasn't too confusing. I tried to format it in a way that isn't too bad, but I don't know how successful that was. 

- MWAHAHAHAHA! No, you'll never find out what Snake said to Otacon in their final moments together on that DVD. But then, you know the content of their last transmission, so you can imagine for yourself just how sappy Snake gets before he dies. ^_~ 

- Raiden's revelation at the end is nothing startling, but like most people, we never realize the obvious until it's too late, and in our hindsight, we see how the pieces fit together. Otacon's death was unpreventable after Raiden let him out of his grasp, as by the time Raiden finished reading, it was the moment of Otacon's death. Otacon is one, in my opinion, who needed severe mental help as I believe he still carried a lot of guilt on his soul. He always says that he's done regretting the past, but I don't think he ever really dealt with any of it, or at least in a constructive way to get over everything and heal in a healthy way. In MGS2, he still carried the guilt of the whole affair with his stepmother and everything it brought about, from his father's suicide to the death of Emma, and while there's no mention of it directly, I think Otacon also held himself at least partially guilty for Wolf's death, believing that he didn't do everything he could to keep her alive. Add Snake's death, which he sees as ENTIRELY his fault, and you have the makings of one very broken person. And from that, there isn't much of a way to move on. 

Now, the questions that beg to be asked are, "Wasn't he talking with Rho for a while? What happened to those counseling sessions? And how do the events of that time frame fit together?..." 

Thank you very much for reading this fic. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed hashing out my views on Otacon and Snake ^^;; Feedback is always appreciated, of course (^_^)v yoroshiku, ne? 

**And now… A special bit for all you wonderful people who read all my long-winded notes! Yay for patience!** (One needs a lot of patience when dealing with akai-standard time… -_-;; ) 

Enjoy~! ^_^ 

Start reel! 

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"But Rose..." 

"No, Jack. It would be too risky and I don't want our son to grow up without a father. If Snake and Otacon couldn't do it, what makes you think you can after you've been away from the field for so long?" 

"Because I owe her. I owe her my life, and you know it." 

The Best is Yet to Come  
akaisakura 

Prologue: Return of the Fox Hounder 

Another boring suburban house on another boring suburban street. Rose and Jack couldn't have picked a more normal place to live and raise their son, Leo. But that's how Rose had wanted it to be. She could never give a reason why she wanted to live here, only to say that she had wanted this kind of life since she was young. Hardly what one would expect from a woman who works in the military as an analyst and has been known to work for other "forces" more powerful than the government. But then, her husband was someone rather odd himself. After all, could anyone have imagined that a former child soldier, and later, special forces operative, would settle in a place like this to train new military recruits? But maybe those are the kinds of things people do for love and loyalty. And protection from those "forces" who would have the happy family silenced if they had the chance. 

Well, maybe "happy family" isn't the correct term to describe the trio at a time like this. 

"She may have sacrificed herself to save your life, Jack, but you know she only did it to save her daughter! You meant nothing to her so why should you go and throw your family away for a child you've never known!" 

"Rose, what if it was Leo out there, kidnapped and forced to live the life of a soldier. What would you say then? If he was taken from you the moment he was born, what would you have done? Would you want Leo to live his life on a base, trained to be a soldier, a killer, never knowing anything about yourself except for the lies that were passed to you?" 

"I..." 

"That was my life, Rose. That's how _I_ grew up -- on the lies of those who told me how to act, what to do, what to believe. That's _not_ how I want Katrina to experience life! Even if she were just another child, I still wouldn't want her to go through all the crap I went through, but she's even more special to me because her mother saved my life!" 

"Jack..." 

Raiden lowered his voice and tried to sooth his wife. "Rose, I... I have to do this. Even if you don't feel like you owe it to Olga, I do. Just remember that if she didn't save my life, I wouldn't be standing here now..." 

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ 

No, this is not the end of the prologue – I'm just being evil and teasing you! >:D It's fun being evil! Whee~! 

The Best is Yet to Come :: the sequel to The Elevator Up to Hell – Look for it, coming… soon-ish… ^^;; 

Until then~ 

Snake: Soon-ish?... At your pathetic rate, who knows if we'll see this sequel before I die. *scowl* 

Otacon: Now, now, Snake... 

akai: *looks at fic* ...but aren't you already dead......? *runs away* 

Snake: AKAI~! >:[ 


End file.
